Marylin's Musings

First, You Have To Pinpoint Your Delusions

2009-07-10T22:55:00.002-04:00

Jodie and I ventured out to the Hamilton Cemetery today to walk around. I've always loved cemeteries: so peaceful and full of stone art.

Fun fact: The oldest of the Municipal Cemeteries is the Hamilton Cemetery at 777 York Boulevard. It is not only the oldest municipal cemetery in Hamilton but is, in fact, the oldest municipal cemetery in Canada. (hamiltonhistory.ca)

It's eerily humbling to think that a hundred years from now, I'll be dead and buried and the only way I'll really be remembered is if I make a mark on the world in some way. Even our grave stones fade, are consumed by the earth, and forgotten.

I think I'd like to make a mark or two.

I planned out my entire funeral in great detail when I was much younger. It was a big to do lol. What an odd thing for a kid to do with her spare time... I wish I still had that notebook, that would be an interesting read.

Anyway, one thing I always said I wanted was a very big, very beautiful statue to mark my grave - what an ego.

This one was quite striking. You can't tell from the picture, but they eyes on this lady are freaky - they look like they're staring into your damn soul! lol

Fun fun!

Or maybe today's excursion was a salute to death: the death of a lot of bullshit ways of thinking, thus acting, that I guess I thought I needed to cope... things I didn't even know I was thinking/doing.

Well you can't end something until you know that there's something there to end and then figuring out what it is, exactly - it just took me a while I suppose.

Lesson learned: you can tell a lot more about yourself (or rather, about how you feel about yourself) by your actions and reactions then you can by your thoughts and beliefs.

I dunno. I'm just trying to stay awake cause I don't feel like going to bed yet - the result of which is this half-ass blog post.

And no, I'm not sorry.

But I do love you :o)

-Love Marylin.

Wendy McNeill

2009-07-07T01:40:00.002-04:00

My cab driver was playing this album and I was really into it so I asked him who it was and made sure not to forget so I could look it up when I got home.

And I'm glad I did, because this is really fucking good. I love finding new music I love.

You can hear more at http://wendymcneill.com and http://myspace.com/wendymcneill.

Enjoy.

-Love Marylin.

Impermanence

2009-06-30T23:59:00.001-04:00

I keep trying to write about things that are going on in my life but it's just not happening. I'm just feeling too emotionally crazy right now to talk about anything mundane.

I've been watching a very long documentary, 'Walking With Dinosaurs' or something like that and it is extremely humbling and for some reason that makes me feel better.

Life on Earth began hundreds of millions of years ago. Since then, species have lived, evolved, strived, struggled, and died out. Even the dinosaurs, for example, who reined for a few million years... poof, gone.

Also since the beginning of life on this planet, the Earth has undergone so many major changes that have effected whether a species lives on or dies out. Major, MAJOR shifts in weather... millions of years of ideal tropical weather to millions of years of extreme cold and ice.

Extinction has been a matter of fact throughout history - no species is exempt from it. There are so many species today that it happens a lot more often then we're even aware of.

All it took was a comet hitting the Earth to wipe out the dinosaurs: they were just fine until that happened.

But of course, that could never happen to us, right?

It's not like, history repeats itself, or life works in cycles...

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here, is that we humans have been here about a hundred thousand years or so. We're an arrogant creature who tends to believe we'll always be around, that nothing so horrible could happen in our lifetimes, that nothing like that is bound to happen for millions of years in the future, yada yada yada.

But logically, we should know without much doubt, that our fate is indeed, extinction. There's no reason it can't happen today as easily as it could happen in ten million years. We don't know. The earth will continue to change and go through cycles that inevitably change the climate and weather patterns - thus effecting all living things, from vegetation to humanity.

I'm sitting here, writing this at the bottom of what was once a very large, deep lake. Life if weird, and in its weirdness is awesome, uncontrollable, impermanent, and a never ending source of our curiousity.

It is by luck/fate that humans developed these large brains, giving us the ability to rise to the top of the food chain using technology rather than our own physical devices. We are unique in this way.

But I believe it's this uniqueness that allows us to be so arrogant and believe our species is so special as to be the only one in history to ever avoid the forces of nature and be exempt from extinction.

It's the same arrogance that allows us to believe life doesn't exist anywhere in the universe but here on earth, even though the universe is so ginormous that I don't think there's even a word suitable enough to describe how large it really is (and it never stops expanding).

We are smart, that's for sure. And there's a reason we evolved to be what we are. I won't pretend to know what that reason is, but I do believe everything happens for a reason.

What I don't believe, is that the earth is quite finished with us yet... we try to defeat nature, but we never do, not permanently anyway.

So, our species has been around for about a hundred thousand years. And only at the tail of hundreds of millions of years of life on the planet. Our existence is just a small fraction of history. We're pretty new to the game and there's no telling how long we'll be around.

And like I said, that is very humbling, and for some reason, makes me happy. Kinda takes the pressure off in a way, doesn't it?

Following this theme of impermanence, I watched a video earlier tonight (it came up in my feed reader) on the same subject, aptly titled Impermanence. It's a talk given by a monk on the subject of the Buddhist philosophy that nothing is permanent, everything is always changing.

I needed to hear it at this time. Emotions shift poles. Bodies live and die. The current changes. The mountain erodes. Nothing is permanent but our true selves. This too shall pass. I am not my body or my mind, I only have them to use as I see fit.

More peacefully humbling truths.
A lot for one day, but then again, good lessons to learn on days like this where all I feel like doing is lying in bed because I'm so depressed.

-Love Marylin.

Earthlings

2009-06-20T19:22:00.002-04:00

Watch this.

Because if you can't, you have no right to eat meat.

-Love Marylin.

A Lot

2009-06-18T22:28:00.001-04:00

Change is inevitable. Nothing ever stays exactly the same, nothing. ever. Yet, from moment to moment, everything seems so predictable.

You never expect anything extraordinary is going to happen, and if you do, that doesn't mean it will.

If you're happy. If you're in love. You assume it's going to last forever, because, well, why wouldn't it? What could possibly happen to destroy such happiness?

Thoughts of a very naive girl.

Life is ever moving, ever turning - falling and rising - crying and laughing.

I started out intent on being casual. Fought it. Been fighting it for a long time now.

I fight it because you want me to.

I fight it because I hold onto the hope that eventually all my fighting will have paid off and I can look you in the eye and tell you, "I'm over it."

But I'm not. Not even close.

And that makes me hate myself.

It's just too much to be contained, too much truth and emotion to bottle, to pin down, to articulate.

I am both genius and stupid when it comes to you.

-Love Marylin.

Geeks Are Sexy

2009-06-17T12:51:00.001-04:00

Showing VS Telling... is actually pretty hard when you're trying to do it on purpose. But let's keep that between you and I and pretend all my writing comes out flawlessly and effortlessly - shhhhhh.

Myself and a few members of my writing group are collaborating on a collection of short fantasy stories, making this - let me see - my first attempt at writing fantasy. Yeah, so I'm a bit out of my element, which is good, don't get me wrong, it's always good to step out of ones comfort zone, but it is also a bit nerve racking.

I haven't even thought of a story to write: I just sat down and started writing and I have no idea where it came from or where it's going but there it is.

Last night was the Think Haus meeting - fun stuff. Men are silly creatures! But they are fun creatures nonetheless so it's all good. We're planning on having at Maker Faire at the end of the summer, but keep that on the down-low cause we JUST started planning.

Lots of projects going on. Tonight is a super top sekret meeting for a super top sekret project so mind your fucking business! ;)

This Saturday Jodie and I are gonna hit the Maker's Market downtown. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I'm almost positive it involves many booths with many artisans selling their wares. Homemade stuff rocks!

Next weekend I'm getting picked up by a strange man (love you Ronny!) and being driven up to Barrie where I will get shit-faced with my awesome friends Sunny, Blake, Lexi, the aforementioned strange man, and some other hobos. I have not been drunk in a while so don't judge! lol It's all for Canada Day... that's right... Canada Day.

The Black Dahlia.

I chose the movie because Mia Kirshner is in it and she is hot. So maybe that was a bad thing to base a choice on? I think so, because the movie kinda sucked. Plus, she was barely in it! I don't want to look at Scarlett Johansson thank you very much!

Oooh! Onto yet another subject, I'm going to Ikea tomorrow morning for the first time, and though I hate the idea of Ikea, I have heard that it is indeed a weird place to be so I wanna see for myself :P

Today is fun with Don day.

Uninteresting blog post written - check.

Be good.

-Love Marylin.

Eat And Breathe

2009-06-13T23:04:00.003-04:00

Holy shit it's been a while.

I'm sitting at my desk in my new studio/office/workspace (choose one) and I fuck-ing-love-it. I pulled it all together today and it's pretty much done. My desk is so much bigger, I have storage, I have a balcony with sunlight and fresh-air - the only thing I can complain about at the moment is the white-trash neighbours who sit outside and drink beer while talking much too loudly about nothing and occasionally getting into a verbal match where whoever can swear at the other the loudest and most inappropriately wins.

But I say, they're all winners *thumbs up*

I live in one of the good neighbourhoods in Hamilton and these people stick out like a sore thumb.

Anyway, I can't let myself get stressed out about it. I've been in de-stress mode since last Sunday morning at meditation.

You see, when meditating, one is still. Breathe. Relax. Let thoughts drift away. Bring awareness to the moment. It's a wonderful thing. Jodie and I started going to Sunday morning meditation at a Buddhist temple up the mountain and we both loved going - it made the whole rest of the week better. But we stopped going due to early mornings being hard and most likely approaching cold weather.

Now it's about a year later and we're dragging our asses back into Bodhisattva-ness damnit.

Last Sunday was our first time back and it was an eye-opener.

I sat on the cushion, tried to relax, breathe, close my eyes.

First sensation - racing thoughts. Not just racing thoughts, but thoughts flashing by at a frequency so fast that I could hardly decipher what the thoughts were about.

Since last summer I've been working pretty hard at not having to think those thoughts that make me worried, sad, anxious, afraid, etc. T.V. on every night, all night long as I slept because the t.v. would allow me to fall asleep without having to be alone with my thoughts. The t.v. was the distraction. I didn't care what was on, as long as it distracted me, put my brain on zombie mode, I guess you could say.

Having the t.v. on while you sleep is SO bad for you. You don't get a proper rest and you don't remember your dreams. You wake up feeling gross. Also, it's addicting.

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is check my email, and then I'm pretty much on the computer all day. More distraction.

I'd been living like this for months and months and I had no idea I was even stressed out.

So last Sunday was the first time in a LONG time that I was forced to be completely quiet, still, aware, and it was as if all those thoughts I'd been distracting myself from came flooding through, the damn had broke. It was disturbing.

I then became aware of my breathing. Breathe in, breathe out. Long, slow, smooth breaths - that's what I tried to do... except my breaths came out short, shaky, and uneven. I couldn't breathe, that's how stressed I was.

My third sensation was pain. Nothing new, but it was worse than usual - perhaps because I was attempting to unclench from months of a stiff, tight body? Or perhaps it was merely because I was paying attention.

It was a horrible morning and left me depressed for the rest of the day. But it also opened my eyes to how poorly I take care of myself. So I decided then and there that I couldn't go on like that anymore and here I am a week later, already feeling so much better.

It's really sad when you tell your shrink that you "started to eat and breathe this week." I didn't realize how crazy that sounded till she pointed it out. Shit. What the fuck am I doing to myself?

Right. So tomorrow morning is attempt number two at meditating - I look forward to it.

Oh, and I've canceled my cable so there's nothing on anymore. Ha!

It appears as though I've rambled on quite a bit already. You might wanna take a bathroom break, cause I have a lot more to talk about.

Okay you're back! lol

George.

George racked up a $450 vet bill the other week (talk about stress). You may remember me mentioning that I took pictures of his asshole? Well I took him to the vet and it turned out he had a bladder infection - apparently bladder infections do weird things to male cats *shrugs.* He had to stay at the vet for two nights and they sent him home with two different medications and a plastic cone around his neck.

First let me tell you: George just might look cuter when he's wearing his cone then when he's not. It's too sweet to describe - I have to recommend getting your cat a cone. Pictures are coming, don't worry.

George is also freakishly undisturbed by this huge cone around his neck: he's been wearing it for a week and a half straight with zero problems. And don't tell him I told you this, but the thing is on so loosely that he could just slip his head out of it if he wanted to.
My theory? He doesn't want to.

I didn't get off that easy though. He's being so stubborn about taking his pills. I've tried disguising them in all kinds of yummy things - bacon even! He's onto me. He knows what's up. He eats around the pill or he eats the food then spits the pill out, still intact!

I've had good luck for the past two days with some wet food and cat milk so I just pray it lasts till he's done his meds cause he needs to get rid of his infection - poor guy.

And that's what's up with George - he has an exciting life.

Encyclopedia Dramatica.

Heard of it?

Me neither. Well, at least up till a few weeks ago. Now I know very well what it is. It seems my epic Suzi Blu blog post caught their attention and inspired an article of their own - it's apparently part of a series on whores, according the site. Karma really is a bitch.

On to more important things: I've watched three Monty Python movies so far and they rock: Holy Grail, Life Of Brian, and Meaning Of Life. I feel there's a good chance I might start 'getting' the references people make now lol.

I also got in a few other movies in the past couple weeks:

Chaplin - definitely good enough to own. Jersey Girl - wtf? I'd like my hour and a half back please. The Hours - I've probably watched this six times in the past two weeks and have officially added it to my list of favourites. He's Just Not That Into You - no.

The white trash are blasting hip-hop... bad hip-hop.

Hey, while I'm on pet-peeves, is it just me or is it incredibly annoying when the elevator door opens and you start to walk out but people start walking in instead of letting you walk out first? Isn't it proper elevator etiquette to let those who are in the elevator get off before the people waiting for the elevator get on? Yes, I think it is. And if it's isn't, it damn well should be.

I think that's good enough for now as far as blog posts go.

For me, blogging is cathartic, so when I go a while without doing it, I start getting a bit antsy.

P.S. My mum unloaded a fuck-ton of good quality oil paints and some acrylics too. I'm going to take a bath in them now.

-Love Marylin.

Nothing To See Here

2009-05-30T21:54:00.002-04:00

Where do I even begin creating a banner/header for my blog? I used to be half-decent at doing that stuff, now I'd rather hire someone. Anyway, I need to make one as soon as possible because the current one just isn't cutting it for me.

My dear friend, Brenda, gave birth to a baby boy today - that is awesome, she's always wanted to be a mother and now she is... can't wait to meet him, he probably has red hair just like his mommy!

I had big plans for the weekend, plans to get a lot of shit done, but I haven't been able to stop sleeping! I have no idea why I'm so tired, but tired I am and I've done practically nothing productive.

Meh, my body wants sleep, I'll give it sleep, and get to work when I'm nice and rested.

I took pictures of George's asshole earlier today.

Yup, kitty porn. And no, I'm not joking. There's something wrong with his asshole and I needed to show Lexi - the queen of cat butts to get her opinion.

The things I do for those I love...

Another trip to the vet may be in store. Yay.

I can't write for shit when I'm this tired.

Sean brought some movies over the other night, all of which I've never seen. We watched 'A Fish Called Wanda' - very funny! He also brought 'Spaceballs' and since I've never seen 'Star Wars' I might not 'get it' but hopefully it'll be entertaining anyway.

Last but not least, he brought 'Monty Python - The Holy Grail' - my first time seeing any Monty Python! I watched half of it last night and give it the thumbs up. I'll watch the other half tonight and I'm sure this will just make me want to watch the other ones.

It's pretty bad, all the movies/shows I have not seen. Scary, really. You'd think I was raised Amish or some such weirdness.

Aaaanyway, Sean is helping me get a proper movie education. He also brought over a saw for me to borrow... don't ask!

Speaking of movies, Jodie is a bit of a film-connoisseur and did a very good thing - she started a blog about it! It's brand new, but I recommend subscribing cause she does know films! It's aptly named, She Watches Too Many Movies.

Did I mention how tired I am?

Anyway, this is my favourite part so far of the Monty Python Movie:

-Love Marylin.

The Perfect Drug

2009-05-26T23:36:00.000-04:00

My niece, Amelie, is eight months old and she is a freak of nature.

I mean that in the good way: she is going from not really crawling, to being able to stand up and walk while holding onto something. I think that's just nuts! She "crawls" by standing on her feet and hands... it's quite something.

Mind you I have little to no experience with babies so perhaps that is not so abnormal, but I think it's just amazing.

She is also ginormous and so strong. I think she's probably pretty close to being a perfect baby.

I love her to death but don't get to see her often and I really, really hate that.

She's the happiest being I've ever met and she infects you with it... better than any medication.

I wish this world wasn't so fucked up.

-Love Marylin.

Dear Anonymous

2009-05-25T23:59:00.001-04:00

Re: The Real Suzi Blu

No more anonymous comments. If you are still in a Suzi Blu class and can’t post here under your real name, either email me and we’ll talk about it, or wait till you’re done the class before you comment.

If you’re here for any other reason than to talk about your bad experiences with Suzi Blu and support others stories, well, you really don’t need to be here, but if you insist on commenting anyway, you have to do so using your name.

If you have something important to say, you should be able to say it without hiding.

No more comments that are merely insults toward another that bear no relevancy to anything and only fuel flame wars: someone’s looks and personal life usually, are definitely irrelevant.

If you do make these sort of comments anyway, I’m telling you right now there’s a chance I will just delete them since they add nothing of importance and only serve to hurt others.

I do not go to your blog and fuel flame wars, I ask that you have the same courtesy for me.

This goes for all sides involved.

This video says it all quite well, actually:

If you can’t comment and want to lend support in some way, the best thing you can do is share the link and/or Digg it.

I don’t want to spend so much time dealing with immaturity when I could be using that time making art and writing the great Canadian novel ;)

Thank you very much and if you have any questions just email me houlemarylin@yahoo.ca

-Love Marylin.

Action!

2009-05-23T23:02:00.001-04:00

Okay The Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival. Approximately three weeks later, I will now blog about it.

The Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival is a film making contest in it's second year. The gist of how it works is you get people together to form a team and sign up. Each team receives the same line, prop, and location and the contest begins.

For the next 24 hours, your team has to conceive, write, film, and edit a movie that is no more than five minutes long and utilizes the line, prop, and location given.

The film must be handed in within 24 hours, not a minute later, or it is disqualified.

Sound like fun folks? Well it is.

I was recruited to help write the script for a team headed by a member of my writer's group. The team consisted of myself and the producer, Steve, as well as Sean, Mike, and one or two other guys whose names are escaping me (John and Tim? Something like that, anyway) as writers, a director whose name I also do not recall, Ted, whose role to me is unclear but was a helpful one, Jeanette - who rocks, and an actress who I did not meet because I wasn't involved in the filming process and she was the actress.

We met at Sean's and waited for the phone call telling us what our line, prop, and location was - until we received that information, we couldn't really do much.

But when the phone call came, it was pretty bad: the prop was a Canadian flag, the line was "show me the money," and the location was inside a car. Probably some of the shittiest prompts I've ever heard in combination. "Show me the money"? Yikes.

Brainstorming ensued and was slow coming - I had pretty much nuthin' but that's not new for me. I'd say I spent the majority of the night poo-pooing other people's ideas LOL - okay no I don't mean that in the way you're thinking! I just mean that I wanted to make sure the story was believable, that it wouldn't make the audience have to fill in the blanks, and that is wasn't obvious. I was hoping for something original.

Mind you, this wasn't my baby, it was Steve's, but I just wanted to do the best we could.

I know very little about writing for the screen and I've only done it once before this experience. I did spend a good chunk of the afternoon beforehand making notes but they didn't come in handy after all.

Let me tell you something else, I learned a whole lot about the differences between men and women when it comes to what they like to see, how they think, and what kind of ideas they have. Because before Jeanette arrived, I was the only person there without a penis - out-numbered I tell you! Suffice it to say that sex and violence were popular themes, especially stuck together, and in the end, that is what won out.

Now it's not like we had a lot to go with - I think we had two or three ideas altogether, which is kinda scary if you think about it cause we were there for hours brainstorming lol. But the chosen idea, for me, was bad. It wasn't anyone's bad idea, it was just too hastily dealt with. And again, this was not my baby, so the fact that I hated the idea didn't mean much - I was the minority.

The idea I would have gone with was very original and GOOD. It had only one issue but I think that issue could have been fixed quite easily.

The idea we went with was very cliche and BAD. The line was included in a completely unbeleivable way, it was offensive, unrealistic, incomplete, and compeltely testosterone fueled. The only thing about it that was good was the utilization of the prop. That was clever.

Aren't I the critic eh? Not a drop of experience and I'm snobbing it up! :P

What I am, though, is a writer. I am also a reader and a movie watcher. So I'm standing on that ;)

Where was I? Write. Writing, yes. Writing began: the four scenes were split up so the writing would go more quickly - I chose the last scene.

I learned that I suck at writing scripts hahaha. No seriously... I was the last to finish, I presented pages of writing where a few would have been more than enough from what I gather. Kind of embarrassing but whatcha gonna do?

But that was it, my part in the process was complete but I hung out for a while longer cause I like to watch stuff happen: Sean wrote the final draft in proper format and the story line was being done almost as soon as Sean finished typing the words.

What happened next I do not know: it was around 4-5am and my eyelids were getting droopy so home I went and left the rest to make movie magic.

They had to finish the story board, then do all that filming stuff (which I kinda would have liked to observe cause it's cool), then do the editing and hand it in to be scrutinized, analyzed, criticized, and ultimately judged by some important people I've never heard of.

The following weekend would be the awards event where we would find out how well our fair film actually fared. I'm not even gonna go into why I didn't attend this gala, because I really really wanted to - it was red carpet for saint Peter's sake! So I'll just move onto the conclusion.

I believe there were around 27ish teams in total who entered the competition this year and I believe our film ended up placing around 16-17ish? I don't remember what was said at the moment but I'm sure I'm close enough. I was surprised, I gotta say.

And there ya go, project film festival finis!

I had a a lot of fun participating in this. It was very frustrating but also so rewarding. I felt useful, which is rare for me these days, and there's a good chance I'll do it all over again if given the opportunity.

This may seem funny, but I haven't actually seen the film yet. I am currently working on getting hold of a copy - there's not way I can't watch a film that I helped create, that would just be foolishness. And when I do see it, I will let you all know what I think. Maybe I'll end up eating my words, you never know.

So there ya go. And thanks to Steve for attributing this to the Hamilton Writers group, that was really cool.

And... cut.

-Love Marylin.

The Popcorn Was Good

2009-05-22T23:24:00.001-04:00

Went and saw 'Angels & Demons' with Jodie tonight: the verdict? It was just as good/bad as 'The Da Vinci Code' was, a.k.a. it was better than a kick in the head.

Going to see a movie can be fun, but I rarely ever do. Why? Most movies that are played in theaters where I live aren't worth the trouble. If I want to see them bad enough, I'll wait and pirate the damn thing. Arrrrr! I was going to say, 'most movies they play in theaters (period) aren't worth the trouble' but Jodie says apparently they do have worthy movies played in other cities, like Toronto, for instance. Well I never go to Toronto so that sucks for me.

But as I was saying, most new movies (ahem Hollywood) are what I like to call "distraction movies." They serve the purpose of numbing my mind when I need to stop thinking and relax and forget my troubles and be distracted from life. They also sometimes provide laughs as a bonus.

I don't understand the industry, I just don't. They're remaking 'Melrose Place'? WTF is what I have to say to that. Why do they keep remaking everything! It always makes me feel bad for those ideas that are pushed aside in lieu of what's 'hot' - a real artist put work into something original and new, and we get to see a cast of bad actors in a t.v. show that is better off left alone... to live peacefully in film heaven, where bad shows/movies go to die.

So I pay for cable and rarely change the channel - it's almost exclusively on channel 44 - Comedy Central. I put it on for distraction and because 90% of what's on t.v. is just. so. sad. And I'm not talking depressing.

And I've been twiddling my thumbs for over a year waiting for 'The Rum Diary' and 'Dali & I: The Surreal Story' to come out. Those are the only two movies I'm whole-heartedly eager to hand over cash to see on the big screen. They're both supposed to come out this year, but who knows. I know that 'The Rum Diary' is in production only because I've seen pictures of Johnny Depp on set. As for the Dali film, I've heard squat.

Realistically, if these two films end up being GOOD, they will likely end up going straight to DVD *shakes head*

In the meantime, I think I'll save my money and stay home.

-Love Marylin

Blog Withdrawal

2009-05-21T21:00:00.001-04:00

Hello!

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever! I guess I got away with it for having written a novelette last week. That was interesting... an experience I've never had that's for sure. I wrote this entry expecting a few angry comments, a few ugly words flung at me for outing their previously untouchable queen of mixed media. Not so. Here I am, two weeks later and there is currently about 1090 comments posted.

Turns out my story wasn't so different then the experience of quite a few others and my entry was the "event" or gateway they needed to speak about it.

During these two weeks, I experienced a lot of ignorant folks (or, to be fair, ignorant comments) that leave me still scratching my head in bewilderment. I now realize that people will only see what they want to see. They will only believe what they want to believe, or what keeps things safe for them. People will skip the important parts, and when that happens, there's just no use in discussing it. A lot like conversations I've had with Christians (no offense, I speak about certain ones, not all of them).

But if you start with the truth, continue with the truth, and come out at the end with the truth, you've done the best you can.

There is now a place for people to talk about their experiences with this woman without fear. That is a wonderful thing and it will stay right where it is.

Anyway, onwards and upwards!

Now that I've got that ton of bricks off my shoulders, I'm sticking my nose in a bunch of other awesome endeavors.

I'm moving my workspace (hopefully by next week) into the other room where it is bigger and has a balcony! I'll get to enjoy the natural lighting and that yummy fresh air I never get enough of. Just need to figure out how to set up all the crazy internet wires again (I'm not used to the cable set up) and I'm good to go. I'm excited!!!!

There is a good possibility that I will be joining the Arts Hamilton Literary Advisory Committee - apparently Hamilton has Literary Awards, how did I not know this?

I've started a collaborative writing project with some of the members of my writing group: it's an idea that was raised probably a year ago but nothing ever happened with it.

It should be fun, help get people writing, and hopefully come out in the end with a publishable piece.

Project hackspace has come quite a ways in the past few weeks: a location has been found and the lease is to be signed any day now I believe. So June 1st is probably when we 'get' the place. Though I'm still waiting to see how involved I'm going to be in this whole thing. It's funny though, a bunch of nerds who all think they're the best at stuff (myself and Don included) so it makes for an interesting time - everyone of us as arrogant as the next lol.

I've been enjoying talking with Poe, Camille, and Kelly again more often now that all cats are outta the bag - I love my internet friends :P Sunny is my internet friend as well but she lives so close that she's practically a rl friend too - especially when I go visit her, which I'm sure will happen sometime in the near future. Then I get to meet Lexi toooooooo!!!! woot!

Other than all that, I have a few other projects that I'm not gonna tell you about because they're none of your fucking business.

Just kidding, no, they're not ready to reveal yet so you'll just have to wait ;)

And no I haven't forgotten about the Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival that I have yet to talk about - sheesh I'm behind on things... it's coming!

It feels good to blog again, that was a loooong two weeks and I missed you guys.

You shall hear from me again soon,

-Love Marylin.

What I've Learned

2009-05-13T00:59:00.003-04:00

Re: The Real Suzi Blu

I’ve learned that just because you want everyone to see the truth, does not mean they will.

I’ve learned you should always try to do the right thing, no matter the consequence to your own reputation, because if you stick with the truth and always remain honest, you will never have to worry about looking at yourself in the mirror.

I’ve learned that it’s hard to see a situation for what it is when you’re smack dab in the middle of it. We can’t blame others for being blind if we were once where they are, no matter how much we want to save them… love is blind, ignorance is bliss.

I’ve learned that one blog post may not make everything right again, but it is one more step in the right direction: there is now a place to learn the other side of the story, a place where you don’t have to be afraid to tell your story and get support.

I will never take that blog post down, there will be a permanent link to it on my blog’s front page. People can read my story and the stories that other women have shared in the comments, and they will be able to make a more informed decision about entering the kingdom of Suzi Blu.

The comments will remain open to those who wish to share their stories and/or support.

For those who’ve been (or will be) ripped off by Suzi Blu, the information for recourse will always be here. Know that there IS something you can do about it. The more people who take action, the more likely it is that Suzi Blu will not be able to do this to others in the future.

For those who are biding their time until they can finish up a current class, this information will be here for you when and if you’re ready to tell your story, voice your opinion, and take action if necessary.

I want to thank the people who were brave enough to speak out, and those who will in the future. It’s a nice feeling to know you’re not alone.

I’m looking forward to moving on and doing wonderful, creative things, and leaving this travesty behind. It feels so good to wake up from her lovely nightmare.

-Love Marylin.

The Real Suzi Blu

2009-05-07T05:51:00.007-04:00

Well this is a sad state of affairs. I used to be a member of Mixed Media With Suzi Blu on Ning but no more. I made a lot of friends on there, which was why I remained a member after the shit went down, but now I’m just too disgusted to remain and I’m sorry to say that any friends I’ve made there will now have to be so outside of Ning.

I used to watch Suzi Blu videos on YouTube and I just loved her! How couldn’t you? She’s quirky, sweet, full of empowering messages, not afraid to be herself, and doing very cool stuff with art (that I had never before seen). I ate up her videos, every single one – I wanted to be like Suzi Blu, she was something to aspire to.

When I saw she had a ning site, I joined, not thinking much of it. But I soon realized that this ning community was unlike any community I had ever been in. It seemed to be full of friendly, empowering, caring women who were all nurturing their creativity. Everyone was so warm and inviting, it didn’t take long before I started to feel like I really belonged there.

And then there was Suzi Blu, who actively participated (is that redundant?) in her community – she was one of us – posting in the forums and groups, joining in the chats, all of it. I was admittedly humbled to be part of that, to be her peer.

Somehow through all of that, Suzi Blu began to show a special interest in me (no idea why) – I knew she had favourites, but I never thought I’d be one of them, so when that happened I was smug as a bug in a rug – I was friends with Suzi Blu! How cool is that? Friends with the woman I admired! I even had her cell phone number so we could text each other! That doesn’t happen a lot in life, does it?

There were other favourites, one of which I think had been ‘favoured’ well before I came along. The rest of us were “new flavours of the week.”

So us gals chatted pretty much every day in the ning chat room, late into the wee hours of the morning and it was a lot of fun – it felt nice to finally have girlfriends again.

Eventually, Suzi began to refer to me as her best friend. She showed great interest in me and said she felt a bond/connection with me. She wanted me to move to California and live with her, people, so of course I thought she was genuine and I was so happy. She also told me that she wanted me to teach a poetry workshop on her ning in the fall (some of you may remember that).

Anyway, during one of our nightly chats, whilst gabbing about what had been dubbed ‘VulvaGate,’ I jokingly said “Vulva would be a good name for a magazine.”

After that, excitement ensued because my joke quickly turned into an awesome idea that we ‘just had to do.’ I thought it was a great idea, though I was a little nervous about taking on the responsibility as I know e-zines are a lot of work and I have trouble with having too much on my to-do list. But instead of voicing that hesitation, I squashed it down and replaced it with the thought that I was just being a scaredy-cat and that this would be a wonderful project to do with these awesome ladies. After all, the work would be shared among seven of us (it was seven to start with btw) so it wouldn’t be that bad.

We were so excited about this and it seemed we all had the same vision: an e-zine that celebrated and empowered women – feminism as it is meant to be, which is true equality. We also wanted a community based around the e-zine: everything about the community would be based on the principles we wanted to convey in the e-zine – it would be an empowering place where anyone could come and hang out as long as they didn’t spread hate.

After more talking and planning, Suzi decided that all of the extra-curricular activities (non-workshop groups) that were going on in her ning should be moved to this new Vulva community: that way, her ning could be totally focused on her teaching… things would be separated (this was just after the whole Willowing/copyright/pimping debacle) so it made a lot of sense.

This explains to anyone who didn’t know why all of the groups and basically all of the fun disappeared from Suzi’s ning without so much as a warning. Yep, another one of Suzi’s temper tantrums for which she’s becoming famous.

Anyway, all was well and we went along with our project as planned (most of which was divulged prematurely by Suzi herself in this video ).

But things started to go wrong. Sunny (the editor) worked on our project as planned, as we believed everyone was doing. The girl was working her little hiney off – taking on more responsibility than she had to because she wanted to make sure this awesome project would actually happen (even though she had just had a laparoscopy and was in recovery).

We held biweekly meetings to discuss progress on the project. These meetings were pretty horrendous for the most part. It often felt like talking to thin air… I’ll just say that there were some people who took the meetings seriously and some people who made it pretty obvious that they would rather have been elsewhere.

We had a ning set up for staff members of the project to plan everything out, discuss, debate, whatever needed to be done to get Vulva off the ground.

If that ning was still around, I would show you that the participation was pretty pathetic. We would ask a question in the forum about the e-zine or the community (as that was our place to communicate about these things) and no one would respond, because no one bothered looking. It was sad.

Then there was the other ning, the public ning – vulvazine.ning.com - that was to be the awesome community we had planned. Hours and hours and hours of work was put into that ning, setting up, designing it, getting discussions started, all kinds of crap that I don’t even know about. We had groups for knitters (called “Yarncore”), groups to talk about periods and menopause, a group called “Getting To Know Me(me)” where members could fill out silly questionnaires to get to know each other better – there were over 25 groups to cover every aspect of an art-based community for women, all with hilarious hand-picked graphics that took weeks to accumulate. The problem was though, that all of this work was being done by ONE person. One person out of seven. Doesn’t seem very fair eh? I helped :P and so did some other people who weren’t even staff and had no obligation, but the majority of work was done by the editor, one woman.

As time went on, it felt more and more like this was not a team project, that most of the people involved didn’t take it very seriously and had no idea how much work actually goes into this stuff.

One give-away that was pretty ridiculous was the fact that most staff members didn’t even know the link to one or both of our ning sites.

We continually gave people reminders that they needed to really get to ‘so and so’ because the ning community was almost ready to be open to the public and people were still sitting on their asses.

Some helped, some did not.

Suzi Blu did not appreciate being asked to participate (and by participate, I mean that we asked her to make a thread in our book forum, “Cliterati,” about the book club SHE started and deleted from her own Ning) in a community that was mainly her idea, or that’s what I’m assuming, because right after, she basically said ‘listen ladies, this was not what I had in mind – this is not what I signed up for – I do not have the time to participate in this community – I have to paint it’s my income blah blah blah’ and more better-than-though bullshit And I think I forgot to mention that all this time, requests from staff members, Suzi included, for adding new groups to the new ning site kept coming in.

I guess Suzi thought she was the only one who shouldn’t have to sacrifice anything for the project - she was certainly not the only one of us who depended on an income from their art. But it was apparently okay for Queen Suzi (as she likes to call herself) to be excused from any responsibility because for some reason, her stuff is more important than anyone else’s.

Okay so we were a little shocked to say the least… wasn’t it her idea in the first place to go through with all of this? Weren’t we following her plans out to a T? Everything said in that that video about VULVA was what we were working towards. We were quite confused.

So Sunny and I had a discussion and came to the conclusion that in light of Suzi’s sudden change of mind (which I’ve noticed is a pattern with her) we should change things so that the community would be more self-sustaining and there would be less pressure on all of us staff members.

We called an emergency staff meeting that very night to discuss this new idea and to see where everyone was in regards to the project.

When we all arrived at the meeting, the first thing I did was ask everyone how they felt about the project so far. But instead of this being a productive, adult discussion, it turned into a 40 something year old’s temper-tantrum.

Suzi proceeded to pick a fight with Sunny, unprovoked, right from the start of the meeting. It’s fine to argue with someone over actual faux pas, but when you start getting personal for no apparent reason, then you are in the wrong.

The meeting didn’t last long, Suzi stood on her pedestal and proceeded to tell us why this was not her vision, it was Sunny’s and it’s not her fault if Sunny “ran away with it” and how she doesn’t care about community.

She came into the meeting with her defenses up and ready for a fight, and since no one was willing to engage in that pointless nonsense, she said “fuck-it” (literally, she said those words) and promptly left the conversation.

Her next words via text messaging were “I’m done,” which we all interpreted to mean she was done with the whole thing. We spent hours and hours in that chat room feeling upset about what had happened (because we all wanted to remain friends – Vulvazine or not), some of us already suffer from really bad anxiety so we weren’t doing very well to say the least. We waited and waited, meanwhile discussing what had occurred and why it could have possibly happened and analyzing everything to death because not one of us had a clue why this had just happened. We waited for her to calm down and come back in and tell us what she meant and what she means to do. We waited until 5 o’clock in the morning. She never did come back.

So we waited longer. We waited a few days hoping she would come around and communicate something, anything.

We had to make a decision – Vulvazine was to open to the public within days, on April 1st – we debated and thought about what we should do. We all agreed on the same thing over and over again: our friendships are way more important than any of this.

Vulvazine now had this awful stink to it – I certainly felt the need to take out the trash, rid this project before it could do anymore damage to the friendships we had built.

So after writing explanatory letters to both the staff and to the members of the public zine that had come in early to help us build content, we braced ourselves and hit the delete button. Vulvazine was no more.

But we finally did hear from Suzi Blu after I don’t know how many days… yes… I woke up the next morning to find an email in my inbox addressed to all members of Mixed Media With Suzi Blu. If you were a member at that time you got it too:

It would seem Suzi Blu had thought nothing of re-registering Vulvazine.ning.com after we’d deleted it and doing the project all by herself… a project that was never hers to take… a project that we were in together… I was so hurt when I got this email, I just couldn’t believe she could do that! That was so low and disrespectful and sneaky! Yeah that email cut pretty deep. She didn’t even have the courtesy to let any of us know her plans, or any sort of communication whatsoever.

The first thing I did was text her to ask her what was going on. Her reply was that it would be better this way, this way she was in charge.

Okay then.

I don’t remember how long it was before something made Suzi change the whole thing from Vulva to A Lovely Dream [perhaps the threat of the vulvazine.com domain that had been purchased being used for nefarious purposes], but she did, and of that I am glad.

Still unsure if Suzi and I were still friends (as she still hadn’t really said anything to anyone about anything, and ya see I was her best friend, remember? Plus, I had never done anything to her that would make her mad at me – THIS is the first and only) I joined her new Ning and tried to process all that had gone down.

So far Suzi’s behaviour had been passive-aggressive.

I ended up flat out asking her after a week (give or take) if we were still friends and she responded with a very flowery ‘yes of course, I’ve just been so busy with everything but I swear I’ll talk to you as soon as I get a chance.’

I don’t know if this will surprise you or not, but she has yet to talk to me LOL. I gave up any hope that that would ever happen a while ago, despite advice that if she had really been my friend, she would never go that long without talking to me when I needed her (which I did, and told her so).

But you live and learn.

Because Suzi had told everyone our Vulvazine plans before any of it got off the ground, she has made us look pretty foolish because it never did get off the ground.

As far as I know, no one ever explained what happened to Vulvazine… it just didn’t happen and no explanation was given to the public.

We knew what happened, but rather than start needless fights and whatnot, everyone went about their lives and tried to put that whole VULVA mess behind them.

I was perfectly content with leaving it at that, though I wondered why no one was asking, that seemed odd. (I’m still curious about that, actually.)

Well for those of you who wondered, now you know. Now it’s out in the open for all to see… all exposed.

The more I got to know the real Suzi Blu, the less respect I had for her. She says one thing and does another. She is a hypocrite, a phony, a fraud, a charlatan.

Suzi Blu wants women to be empowered and strong and stand up for themselves and not let wolves into their lives and all of that wonderful stuff, but while getting to know her, I’ve seen how she reacts when actually faced with women who possess these qualities: if you disagree with Suzi she does not discuss it nor respect it, she becomes mean and attempts to brow-beat you into submitting or she runs away and lets everyone else clean up the mess. She cannot handle not being the Queen and if anyone dare try, you either give in or you somehow disappear from her magical kingdom, without explanation.

Seriously, have you ever noticed how she is never to blame for anything, no matter what? Ha!

All the time I spent on ning with her and the other members, I have never seen nor heard of anyone disagreeing with Suzi Blu. Why is that?

Well, she seems to thrive on having minions who follow and admire her every move. She’s addicted to having her ass kissed, to put it plainly.

She wanted to get rid of one of the other Vulvazine staff members for no reason other than the girl ‘bugged’ her. Some team player.

We realized that Suzi’s vision of things greatly differed from our own as time went on.

First of all, Suzi Blu makes fun of her ning members/friends behind their backs. Women she is publicly friends with and with whom she preaches her woman empowerment bullshit to. She mocks them for doing the very things she encourages. It’s disgusting.

Even more disgusting, she has forwarded emails she’s received from her ning members so that we could all have a good laugh at their expense.

If you’re sitting here reading this thinking she’d never do that to you… think again, she does it to her ‘friends.’

I have found out the hard way that the real Suzi Blu is nothing like the Suzi Blu she shows everyone. Her videos are bullshit and I feel cheated.

She claims to want to empower women and wants to encourage women to get in touch with their own femininity, yet when a woman does, she makes fun of their self expression behind their back! When all that woman was doing was exactly what Suzi encouraged her to do!

And we all know how she feels about supporting other women artists… she’s all for it as long as you’re the flavour of the week… you can’t just be any woman artist, you have to be Suzi’s friend – she has her conditions… I didn’t know support and empowerment had conditions, but what do I know? And even when she does support her fellow artists, it always seems to turn out badly; the supported artist quietly disappears from Suziland.

What else does she detest… oh that’s right, drama! Yes of course. She hates drama, we all know that right? The truth is she thrives on drama, almost relies on it to keep people interested in her and seems to be continuously enmeshed in it. She creates drama, but is crafty enough in her shenanigans to always come out of it smelling like a rose to her loyal, ass-kissing followers. I’ve seen more drama since knowing Suzi Blu than I’ve seen in all my life.

I can’t believe I ever looked up to this woman. I wish I had never gotten to know her, then I could sit back and watch her videos and enjoy my ignorance… but now it’s all ruined… I can’t watch her videos without feeling hurt, without seeing through her bullshit.

She is not the woman she portrays herself to be, she is just a very good actress who has no problem making a profit by manipulating innocent women. She presents the face she does because it makes her money.

I was deceived. I was a paying customer too – if I had known what she is really like, I never would have wasted a dime supporting her.

Though I do feel sorry for her, I am freeing myself of any correlation between Suzi Blu and myself. I will find artist’s communities that are built on art, not on bullshit. If you have any to suggest, please let me know.

I guess I’m not Suzi Blu’s best friend anymore eh? She dropped me like a hot potato and made a new best friend without blinking. I don’t need to say this person’s name because if you don’t already know who I’m talking about, it doesn’t really matter.

What you should know, though, is that some of us took a double-take when we saw this new development. Ya see, because the new best friend was someone who Suzi Blu spoke pretty bad shit about just prior to her move to California. She left the pretty strong impression that this woman was someone she didn’t want to give the time of day. That’s all I’ll say about that, but it’s just a wonderful example of how two-faced Suzi Blu really is.

I got to know her well enough to find that out.

Suzi Blu talks about helping out her friends but publicly scolds me for sending a message to my FRIENDS about a contest supporting Sunny (an artist and ning member) because it was US. Sunny is a PAYING member.

Now Suzi Blu has a new “crew” of friends to admire her. Like I said earlier, she was going to have me teach a poetry workshop on her ning… now she’s got a new person to fill that role… how easily dispensable we are.

I’ve always wondered what ever did happen with Suzi’s “Dutchie Girls” – were they easily dispensable too? Makes you wonder what really happened with that roommate in Virginia, huh? And sadly, I feel for her current posse… but I can understand their position because I was there too.

Basically, I don’t believe a word the woman says – she’s bad-mouthed people and I’ve believed what she’d said, then later found out through various sources that she was full of shit. (*Ahem Gary Reef*)

I have watched as she has flat out LIED to her followers and students in videos, in videos where in the next breath she's coyly chastising another fellow artist *ahem Jared* for doing the exact same fucking thing. A fellow artist who she's dubbed a "wolf" because all men who don't fall for her Suzi ways are wolves. Now he may be, I don't know him, but from what I now know of Suzi, I take the story she told us of their relationship (online relationship) with a VERY large grain of salt.

I have watched her LIE AGAIN in videos to her followers and students about who she was talking about in previous videos on copyright and promoting your own projects in her community. Flat out lied. Many many times in the same verbal paragraph.

Suzi’s most recent temper tantrum is the straw that broke the camel’s back.

If you’re a member of her ning, you received her mass email on Tuesday night telling certain people to stop “pimping.”

Well this email arrived shortly after Sunny and I sent out messages to our FRIENDS on ning: the messages were not spam, they were a request for help for one of our fellow artists and paying ning members.

If I remember correctly, when KY Kelly sent out a mass email requesting votes for the Shutter Sisters back in late March, there was absolutely no issue about it.

There was no difference between her email and our email, yet OUR email is being called spam, and pimping, and inappropriate, etc. Our email has somehow sent Suzi Blu into another one of her temper tantrums.

She loves to play the victim role and she has hundreds of gullible women there to support her – seems a tad cultish but what do I know?

Anyway, once again, things have not gone exactly her way and so she is now once again inconveniencing her members and paying students by creating yet another new site where things will be different and better as she tends to promise us time and time again. But this time she’s decided to charge you a fee for the pleasure of her company.

I’m going to end this message by saying that I am so happy to finally let this information out, to let people know who the real Suzi Blu is and just maybe prevent some poor girl with low self-esteem from being pulled in by her act and strung along for her amusement to be ultimately left in the dust for someone new and even more gullible.

Her façade can’t be kept up forever and I’m relieved that other people are finally noticing what’s between the cracks. It’s only a matter of time before these familiar Suzi patterns begin again. In fact, if you look close enough, it’s already begun.

-Love Marylin.

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How To Get Your Refund

Coming Out Of Hiding

2009-05-05T22:54:00.000-04:00

I went to the park today. I probably wouldn't have gone to the park if I hadn't promised my therapist I would. Ya see she's trying to help me have a better quality of life so that the work the meds are doing aren't going to waste. She wants me to take advantage of any energy and motivation I'm feeling, which is easier said than done.

She made me choose something extremely simple to do but it had to be something that I actually wanted to do and would benefit from, otherwise I would be overwhelmed and even if I achieved the goal, would likely not stick to it in the long term.

It's a really weird therapy process that I have never heard of, yet it's so simple and makes so much sense. It takes into account how hard it is for people to take action in their lives in whatever way necessary when they're so used to hiding away in their apartment, no longer capable of maintaining any real schedule, thus being overwhelmed by the simplest of tasks... not even the task itself, just the idea of it: it has to be done - it seems monstrous when it's really very small and simple. If I have to do two things in one day? Forget about it! That becomes so overwhelming that I usually end up not doing either thing... there may be no logic in it, but it feels as real as the air we're breathing.

My existence consists of spending the day and night in my one bedroom apartment, mostly doing something on the computer. Sometimes I have to clean. Sometimes I have to shower. Sometimes I have to cook! Sometimes I have to run errands (omg).

I go out to socialize occasionally, but not much, and it's usually places where I'm already comfortable being like a friend's place, or my writer's meetings.

(the phone is ringing - I'm too scared to answer it because I don't know who it is). I hate talking on the phone and only do so when absolutely necessary, so I'm sure that has some effect on my social interaction.

I've been living like this (well actually I'm doing a lot better than I was) for years now... most of my twenties have been a losing battle.

So to the people who are reading this and wondering why I don't just CHANGE already, it is because it's all I know. I have mental illness, it makes me act and react and feel in ways that are often completely void of logic. It is quite possible that if I had gotten the proper help years ago, I would be living a very different life right now... but that's not the way life works... things tend to happen when they're meant to happen.

What the hell was this blog post about again?

Right, I went to the park.

And for reasons I cannot explain, I was sick to my stomach with anxiety at the thought of actually GOING to the park. I have no idea why. That kinda made me realize just how serious this is: if walking two blocks up the street to the park and sitting at a bench journaling for a half hour makes me that anxious and afraid, I must really have a problem because I did not anticipate that happening. Why would I? I'm not agoraphobic and I'm usually fine going out by myself when I feel like it... so what gives?

And then I got to the park and I seriously felt like people were laughing at me. No logic.

I found a picnic bench and proceeded to journal. I journaled about what I was thinking about the whole going to the park thing. The longer I sat there, the more relaxing and enjoyable the experience was. I kept trying not to look up from my journal because I didn't want to see anyone looking at me (wtf) but when I did, I noticed a girl had sat down at another bench by herself to read a book.

I tried not to look at her because I didn't want people to look at me so I thought I'd give her the same courtesy.

So I laughed at myself for being such an idiot and continued my journaling.

I stayed for fourty five minutes and would have stayed longer if it hadn't been so chilly (I despise cold!).

The walk home was better, except I thought this creepy looking man was following me so that was kinda scary, but I was just being paranoid o_O

So I don't know what any of this means, it's too big for me to try to wrap my mind around right now, too overwhelming.

I'm being guided by a very capable therapist toward a better quality of life and I believe if she sticks with me, it just might work!
But at the same time I'm still terrified. I'm still afraid to set any goals right now - if I make something a goal, I will be letting myself down for the millionth time if I fail. If it's not a goal and I fail, it's not as big a deal. It's stupid, but that's where I am right now.

Except for this going to the park business that I was tricked into doing ;) I'm supposed to do it two times this week and I'm afraid I won't be able to go a second time because it's supposed to rain all the way till Saturday. Or maybe I'm more relieved than scared.

Whatever.

I have a lot more to talk about but I'll have to do it in another post. More literary fun, film festival fun, stupid people doing stupid things, and creepy dates.

-Love Marylin

A Flu By Any Other Name

2009-05-03T14:26:00.005-04:00

You know it's the "end of the world" when pigs fly.

The World Health Organization has declared ‘a public health emergency of international concern,’ defined by them as ‘an occurrence or imminent threat of illness or health conditions caused by bioterrorism, epidemic or pandemic disease, or highly fatal infectious agents or toxins that pose serious risk to a significant number of people.’

Known to you and I as Swine Flu.

Now they're having us call it H1N1 because people weren't buying pork due to fear of becoming infected.

But it's too late to erase the damage that the name 'Swine Flu' has begun to inflict on the pork industry: the name 'Swine Flu' has become too common, too catchy, for H1N1 to replace it.

The US agriculture secretary has only just initiated the name change. Could they not have foreseen that a "pandemic" called 'Swine Flu' would cause issues for the pork industry? Of course they did. Now they're saying, "oops, ok, call it this now" but they know they've already planted the seed.

And if they wanted to make it clear that this flu isn't pig-related, why are some farms being quarantined?

So what motivations could there possibly be for putting the pork industry at risk?

Well, for those of you who don't know, the Rockerfeller funded, Monsanto, has been trying to get a patent on the pig. Yep. They want to officially own the species, this is the future.

This would mean big money for Monsanto, with which the US government has many connections, which equals big profit for members of government, thus motivation to destroy the pork industry.

In comes Monsanto to save the day. Now their attempts to patent the pig are what saves the industry, rather than destroys it.

Why would the government allow anyone to become ill or die though? The government wouldn't do that.

Well this isn't the first time they've tried to instill fear into people to achieve their own ends - they love their fear tactics.

So many possibilities... how easy would it be to pin this on terrorists? It's a perfect plan all around. More fear of terrorists means more war. The war is a cash cow as well as a great way to keep citizens under control by making them afraid and then coming in to "save the day."

Well that's not all ladies and gentlemen: don't forget about the pharmaceutical companies ginormous profit from the cure for this horrible, deadly swine flu. And if I know people, I know that most of them are going to be jumping on that vaccine bandwagon, the same way they line up every flu season for their annual flu shot.

Which wouldn't be so bad if the vaccine, Tamiflu, didn't have horrific effects - please watch this video and for the love of god, do not take Tamiflu! Especially anyone under the age of 19.

I'm not even going to go into why they would want to give the public such a dangerous drug, the information I'm talking about is already over-whelming to those who haven't done their research (or didn't know there was ever a reason to).

Listen, if I die from swine flu, then you can take the damn vaccine and say "I told you so."

This was written in a hurry because I wanted to get it out there (I didn't have to do any research before realizing the connections and it was making me too sick to my stomach to not say anything) and I'm sure it's not the only piece talking about these same issues. So forgive me for not providing more research to back all this up. I urge anyone reading this to add to it by leaving more information, links, etc. in the comments.

If you think I'm a nut-job, please prove me wrong and research for yourself, the more you research, the better.

I'd like to build on this, so again, if I've missed important facts (which I'm sure I did) or you think some other points should be made, leave a comment.

-Love Marylin

The Best Of Twatter

2009-05-02T22:35:00.003-04:00

The winner of the 'Best Of Twatter' awards is @LexiBadger with this twat

Congratulations Lexi! Woooooo!

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the 'Best Of Twatter' since I joined in February:

@marylin

On Writers and Writing

Having a bit of a hard time trying to write a SHORT bio... I really don't want to be long winded... I really...10:49 PM Mar 12th from web
I seem to subconsciously enjoy breaking that 'i' before 'e' rule... it would have helped if they taught me this shit in school.8:07 PM Mar 20th from web
I'm gonna win a Hugo damnit! I don't write in that genre, but I'm gonna win!!! :P2:38 AM Mar 20th from web
Some days I feel like I have so much to write about that it's paralyzing6:27 PM Apr 4th from web
Tired and sore. Off to have a beer with my lovely writer minions. Be good.5:47 PM Apr 7th from web
Television kills Poetry.1:17 AM Apr 19th from TweetDeck
Okay. Apparently men can cause retarded drama as well. My head hurts. Crazy fucking writers...8:44 PM Apr 24th from TweetDeck

On Religion

@LexiBadger There may be no God, but there will always be a Chuck Norris10:53 PM Apr 7th from web in reply to LexiBadger
Jesus ain't comin' fer easter!9:29 PM Apr 8th from web
I'm finding it slightly amusing that people are thanking Jesus for dying for their sins here on twitter... I didn't know he had an account.9:34 PM Apr 10th from web
@PoeticDreams Not sure if Jesus the Christ has a twitter account but I know the Lord our God does lol11:35 PM Apr 10th from web in reply to PoeticDreams
@4bit4 No no, I have not yet "found Jesus" :P11:36 PM Apr 10th from web in reply to 4bit4
@PoeticDreams Having a laugh at the expense of religion is up there on my list of things I love to do :)11:45 PM Apr 10th from web in reply to PoeticDreams

Coffee

Looking for the cream faeries...12:31 AM Mar 11th from web
@stiggz ewww why ya drinking Tim Horton's coffee? Plah3:23 PM Mar 31st from web in reply to stiggz
coffee is divine.2:30 PM Apr 4th from web
will suck cock for caffeine o_O5:52 PM Apr 21st from TweetDeck
@4bit4 I love my coffee strong like bull.10:47 PM Apr 21st from TweetDeck in reply to 4bit4

Pop Culture

Obama can kiss my big white Canadian ass.3:04 PM Mar 15th from web
Bob Dylan should have twatter...1:16 AM Mar 24th from web
Shephard Fairey is a hypocritical douche http://bit.ly/4Xb3u7:52 PM Apr 16th from TweetDeck
@LexiBadger Disney scares me.1:54 PM Apr 22nd from TweetDeck in reply to LexiBadger
@SunnyCrittenden hehe it's a movie called 'The Wrestler' - that's enough to make me not watch it :P9:13 PM Apr 24th from TweetDeck in reply to SunnyCrittenden

Wisdom

spamming is... tacky.12:49 AM Feb 27th from web
The key to happiness is... LOL cats.10:55 AM Apr 2nd from web
Life is weird. And then you die and I bet that's pretty weird too.8:32 PM Apr 4th from web
pain is hurty3:40 PM Apr 6th from web
@4bit4 awesome is almost as good an ingredient as love!9:03 PM Apr 11th from TweetDeck in reply to 4bit4
laughter = HA x 311:42 PM Apr 20th from TweetDeck

Noms

@PoeticDreams WHAT! We don't have Fruity Pebbles??12:38 AM Mar 21st from web in reply to PoeticDreams
That popsicle was the most interesting thing that's happened to me all day.10:04 PM Mar 28th from web
blackberries rock! The actual berries, that is.7:30 PM Apr 13th from TweetDeck
@SunnyCrittenden Everytime you talk about coke you make me salivate.10:16 PM Apr 15th from TweetDeck in reply to SunnyCrittenden
@nav0n0d On the plus side, both of those beverages are bound to make you infertile :-D9:51 PM Apr 16th from TweetDeck in reply to nav0n0d
@4bit4 you kids and your sugar free sody pops :P6:26 PM Apr 17th from TweetDeck in reply to 4bit4
my hot cocoa is only luke warm :(2:54 AM Apr 23rd from TweetDeck
@4bit4 I'm definitely a girl who enjoys her beverages :) 10:40 PM Apr 25th from TweetDeck in reply to 4bit4

Moi

I make babies cry7:29 PM Mar 20th from web
People follow me on twitter because I'm sexy.11:22 AM Mar 26th from web
@SunnyCrittenden hmmm, I will probably agree with you on this as we both know my tendency toward naivety :P11:29 PM Apr 2nd from web in reply to SunnyCrittenden
@SunnyCrittenden lmfao that's crazy, I live for your poop posts.10:54 PM Apr 5th from web in reply to SunnyCrittenden
I'm a miserable bitch, but I loves you all <36:53 PM Apr 16th from TweetDeck
@4bit4 @marylin :P I'm the annoying girl who corrects people when they misspell my lovely name. mwa!9:10 PM Apr 17th from TweetDeck in reply to 4bit4

Didn't Need To Know That

My nipples hurt.3:11 PM Mar 14th from web
I am NOT pregnant. He's been snipped and I was on the pill... c'maaaaan.3:22 PM Mar 15th from web
Sunny's poo smells like apples.7:37 PM Mar 15th from web
Ooooh young Angelina tits!3:58 AM Mar 20th from web in reply to SunnyCrittenden
watchin' porn 5:36 PM Mar 28th from web
@SunnyCrittenden mmmm bag of dicks... nom nom5:24 PM Apr 1st from web in reply to SunnyCrittenden
I am somewhat drunk and would really like some chocolate.12:26 AM Apr 2nd from web
@PoeticDreams at least i didn't get the jumbo tube hehe8:01 PM Apr 15th from TweetDeck in reply to PoeticDreams
*A-CHOOOOOO!!!!* Oops, nipple pop out! 10:42 PM Apr 25th from TweetDeck

Random

Look mom, I'm twatting.12:04 AM Mar 7th from web
Gone to play with the doctor... text me.4:12 PM Mar 7th from web
At a meeting.... super sekret shtuff9:56 PM Mar 7th from web
I would I were thy twat4:34 AM Mar 14th from web
Working on work... you can't see it... it's a seeecret!3:16 AM Mar 16th from web
waiting for Don to come over and wishing I had a handgun and some vodka.5:55 PM Mar 23rd from web
@LexiBadger It's some kind of hair dresser conspiracy!8:43 PM Mar 24th from web in reply to LexiBadger
Note to self: remember to rant about guys who are so fucking whiny that I just want to drop kick them.12:45 AM Apr 3rd from web
@4bit4 hmmm true. but then again, if you are seeing leprechauns, you may need some help anyway :P Just sayin'11:38 PM Apr 11th from TweetDeck in reply to 4bit4
I wonder how some people are able to continue wearing two faces without eventually having at least one of them kicked in...1:22 PM Apr 15th from TweetDeck
A pill, a pill! To cure what ills.1:18 AM Apr 20th from TweetDeck
Wondering if there are any adverse affects to taking Ativan and Codeine together8:35 PM Apr 23rd from TweetDeck
Annoying the neighbours again with my singing :P ♫ http://blip.fm/~4ygwv1:22 PM Apr 25th from Blip.fm
is makin' da artz3:02 PM Apr 25th from TweetDeck
@SunnyCrittenden @LexiBadger and @4bit4 you guys kick the can across the street. I need a shot of vodka <3 10:13 PM Apr 25th from TweetDeck

My Favourite Tweets

Welcome to PMS town, motherfuckers! Population: my crotch!9:21 PM Mar 16th from TweetDeck LexiBadger
do you think Leonard Cohen Twitters? Cos i would actually SHUT UP for veryvery few things, But id have a FEED on the LC Code.8:03 PM Mar 30th from web courtneylover79
(this is the smartest thing Courtney Love has twatted so far)
haha I love that every time I mention poop on Twitter, it kills a follower. It's kinda like every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings.10:48 PM Apr 5th from web SunnyCrittenden
@Jason_Pollock - Are you the real Jason Pollock or a fake?3:06 PM Apr 6th from web in reply to Jason_Pollock Steve_Buscemi
Merry Jesus On A Stick Day, everybody! <31:44 PM Apr 10th from TweetDeck LexiBadger
(Lexi wishing you a happy Easter)
had a dream last night with Hunter S. Thompson. We drank vodka at a bayou in New Orleans and shot M16's. Then he got eaten by an alligator.12:54 PM Apr 14th from web Steve_Buscemi
my duet w/ katy perry will be called "i kissed a girl & i liked it but then i had to deal with her vagina & i didn't know what to do."8:42 PM Apr 16th from web amandapalmer
I've had this going through my head off and on for the past week. And then I found it on YouTube. http://is.gd/nc1F :oD3:52 PM Apr 19th from TweetDeck LexiBadger

Stuff & Things

This website is pretty darn cool http://wearehunted.com/ maybe now I'll have a clue what's popular these days lol
omg this is so weeeeird - http://lab.drwicked.com/wri...
http://bit.ly/UNlvs what zee frack?
@PoeticDreams http://tinyurl.com/59cerd hehe
http://guesshermuff.blogspo... a new pastime?
http://www.theonion.com/con...
@amandapalmer [blog] "get that sword away from my goddam vagina" - read it at http://bit.ly/afp040309 (wtf is wrong with the world?)
@babysinead Do men STILL think this way? Scary... http://www.youtube.com/watc...
@SunnyCrittenden @thaPHLASH Shepard Fairey sucks... http://is.gd/19e2
WTF http://tinyurl.com/dne69t
@HamiltonLive Canadian goose attacks boat owner - Video : http://hellotxt.com/l/c3as "crazy ass goose!"
Most girls never change... http://www.foundmagazine.co...
@globebooks http://tinyurl.com/c32867
fu2 http://tinyurl.com/dlpqpc

Last, but not least, my friends Sunny & Blake need your help, so please…
Vote for @SunnyCrittenden to win a 2009 Nissan Cube or you will be killing hundreds of harmless puppies and kitties http://is.gd/sM01 PLZ RT Just kidding. No animals will be harmed. But vote for @4bit4 to win a 2009 Nissan Cube http://is.gd/sM01 PLZ RT - make me smile :) PLZ RT

Credits

@marylin
@LexiBadger
@PoeticDreams
@SunnyCrittenden
@4bit4
@Nav0n0d
@amandapalmer
@babysinead
@HamiltonLive
@globebooks
@Steve_Buscemi
@courtneylover79
@stigzz

-Love Marylin

The Pressure Is On

2009-05-01T14:05:00.003-04:00

The Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival begins tonight!

At 8pm, we're given a prop, a line, and a location to incorporate into a screenplay that has to be no more then five minutes in length (on film).

We'll be going strong till midnight (myself and three other writers) - it's do or die because not only do we have to write a screenplay, but we have to write a GOOD screenplay. Like, competition-winning good. The pressure is ON.

After it's written, the rest of the 24 hours will be spent on shooting, editing, all that crazy film hoopla that I don't know much about. Maybe I'll get to watch some of the process.

I'm nervous and excited *gulp* - I love being part of projects, especially where there's writing involved. But I think we'll have a lot of fun doing it.

Did I mention that it will be me and a room full of middle-aged men? lol yep. I'm the only woman working on this (aside from the actress, who I probably won't even meet). That should be interesting!

If our entry wins, it will be played at some fancy-shmancy event and will be a very awesome item to add to my CV, yes ma'am.

It's nice to be productive/needed and all that jazz - I need more projects like this on a consistent basis. Mind you, I'm a complete amateur when it comes to script writing (I think I've attempted it once or twice) and have no wish to pursue it (I'm mostly there tonight for prose/dialogue purposes, being the awesome writer that I am), but any experience is good experience... unless it's a bad experience...

I shall divulge all the literary/filmy/testosterony goodness (and other equally unexciting items) when I return. Wish me luck!

-Love Marylin.

The Real Suzi Blu

2009-05-01T01:04:00.004-04:00

Getting Your Refund

The Real Suzi Blu and What I've Learned

I Don't Understand Suzi Blu

The Saga Continues

Why & Where

Getting Your Money Back

2009-05-01T00:50:00.000-04:00

If you’re taking a Suzi Blu class and find she has not fulfilled her responsibilities for whatever reason (not finishing the class, not providing promised materials, changing things around without warning, banning you from her ning before class has finished, or any of the things she is known to do) and you feel you’re entitled to a refund, here’s what you can do:

First, contact PayPal and ask for a full refund. Refer to this example if you're not sure what to say http://www.sunnycrittenden.com/wp/2009/05/06/the-saga-continues/ and reword to fit your individual case.

The chances of you getting your refund are pretty slim, so the only reason you're requesting this refund is so that PayPal has it on record (which tarnishes Suzi’s PayPal record).

Your next step is to contact the Better Business Bureau of San Diego. If they get enough complaints, especially about the same thing, they may be able to lean on PayPal to make Suzi give refunds or suspend her account.

If you're interested, email me and I'll give you the necessary information - I'm not able to do so here as it is public and therefore illegal.

BBB of San Diego (San Diego, CA)
5050 Murphy Canyon, Ste. 110
San Diego, CA 92123
Phone: (858)496-2131
Fax: (858)496-2141
Email: info@sandiego.bbb.org
Web: www.sandiego.bbb.org

My Email: houlemarylin@yahoo.ca

Good luck,

Marylin.

T.V. Kills Dreams

2009-04-27T23:19:00.003-04:00

I've been having weird dream patterns for quite a while now: I'll dream about the same situations played out in different ways, each one meant to evoke a strong feeling in me.

Sometimes the feeling will be extreme panic that I'm cut off from communicating with loved one(s), for various reasons. It feels like those dreams I used to have where I was about to be murdered or something and no matter how much I tried, I could not for the life of me dial 911. It's scary. It's sad too.

Sometimes the feeling will be a great sense of feeling loved. Pretty much the opposite of the above. The wonderful feeling of security, of not having to second guess. That's such a peaceful, comforting feeling.

Now the odd thing about it is that they seem to accurately predict the outcome of the next day.

What I mean by this is, if I have the dream where I feel disconnected, insecure, etc., the next day something either happens to make me feel that way or I just end up feeling that way out of sheer coincidence.

And of course the same goes with the other dreams. If I have the dreams that make me feel secure and loved, the next day usually brings something to make me feel that way, or, again, I'll feel that way out of sheer coincidence.

Of course, there's always the chance that my day unfolds the way it does because my dreams have set the mood for me. Self-fulfilling prophecy craziness?

Anyway, it's weird and annoying. I've gotten to the point where if I wake up from one of the not-so-pleasant dreams, I'm somewhat paranoid during the day about what's going to happen to upset me.

I wanna have some different dreams. These same ones are pissing me off and yes I know that recurring dreams indicate that I need to fix something in my life, I'm very aware of that, but in the meantime, how 'bout a little nightly erotica?

Nah. That never happens.

Another thing about dreams: they don't work very well with the television on. I've been falling asleep with the t.v. on for a while now so I don't have to think while I'm trying to go to sleep (because my thoughts aren't happy right now). As a result, I'm not remembering most of my dreams.

Interesting fact: when you can remember your dreams, you are less stressed. It is HEALTHY to remember your dreams.

This was confirmed when I had a mid-morning nap the other day. No t.v. on. My dreams were so loud! I don't know how else to describe it, but it was as if my dreams were so eager to finally be heard that they came rushing in, big, loud, on and on they came. And I woke up feeling refreshed... which rarely happens these days.

I'm going to start listening to guided meditation on CD to help me fall asleep. It's relaxing, and when the CD is done, no more noise or distraction.

I've said before, t.v. kills poetry. Well now I know that t.v. kills dreams as well.

And now it's time to say goodnight. Sweet dreams you little weirdos.

-Love Marylin.

Bleeding Makes Me Tired

2009-04-22T18:06:00.001-04:00

I have not had coffee in the apartment for days. I don't know why I let myself run out but I do and am forced to get out of bed and not have hot caffeine goodness to seduce me into staying out of bed.

So at the Think Haus (previously Hamilton Hackers but the name was changed and I hate the new name but what can ya do when you live in a shoe?) I excitedly helped myself to two lovely cups of the deliciousness. Awwww yeah.

It was a good meeting, a possible location has been found and will be checked out soon. It's very cool and because of the size, there are so many possibilities. What would you do if you had thousands of square feet at your disposal? Exactly.

Umm I'm tired. No coffee and this happens to be my week... my week to sleep... that week.

I have to read a crap-load of stuff still and give my feedback. I have to... oh guess what...

ODSP is giving me transportation to the local YWCA. I can go fifteen times a month (about 2x/week) so that's awesome. I'm gonna swim and do weight training stuff. So that's good news.

I don't wanna jinx it, but there's a real possibility that the new increase in my meds is doing something good. I'm still miserable as fuck and scared shitless to make any promises to myself, but I have noticed an increase in energy and motivation/will. We shall see.

I've been having bad dreams though. I'd say for the past month now. Not really nightmares, but bad dreams. They all relate to fears I have in real life about abandonment and a certain person.

My living room is still in upheaval but I put all my most used/favourite art supplies right next to my desk so they're right there ready to go all the time, which makes my life easier because I need to make the art. I needs to.

Oooh marylin.ca is finally pointing to the right server! FINALLY!!! So I'm gonna be uploading the site within the next few days and my website will finally be back in action.

I hope the warm weather comes and stays very soon cause I have a summer plan. Well, not really a plan so much as an agenda of sorts. It involves a backpack, an mp3 player, a camera, a notebook, a sketchbook, a bus pass, and a comfy pair of shoes among other things. Pretty self-explanatory.

Bah, I'm grumpy. and this blog post sucks.

P.S. Downtown Hamilton does not have a cafe. WTF?

-Love Marylin

Mumbo Jumbo

2009-04-18T23:54:00.001-04:00

So what is new with Marylin.

The T.V. has been on a lot lately: I rarely watch it but it sort of keeps me company at night. Bad habit, but I guess I need it right now.

Just painted coat number three on my living room wall in 'Dare-Devil' red. I quite like it and can't wait till I can put up the wall shelves and get this room done.

Started a bit of Spring cleaning but not planning on going crazy as last year I planned such a big clean/over-haul of the apartment that I ended up getting overwhelmed and taking forever to finish.

Shrink just doubled my meds - I was on the lowest dose possible, apparently... kinda pisses me off. I hate hate taking medication but I sort of also don't want to be completely miserable.

I am pretty miserable. If someone as optimistic as I am can get like this, I feel so sorry for people who started out on the pessimistic side of life.

I've sort of given up for the time being. Not really sure what that means. I'm afraid of trying because I feel so defeated and exhausted from so many years of failure that I don't think I can handle it again. So at the moment, I'm pretty much just taking it easy, whatever that means. I'm at a stand-still of sorts. Do not apply pressure, contents may explode.

I'm most likely moving my writer's group to a new location. We've all had enough of loud, poorly lit establishments that cost us more than we'd like to spend. We have a perfect location, but the move should be worth the extra few blocks east.

Speaking of the group, one of the members is forming a team for the second annual Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival. The script will be written by members of Hamilton Writers, with me as head writer, and the film will be credited to the group. I thought that was very nice of him to give the group publicity when he could have taken all the credit himself. That should be really fun - it's coming up on May 1st.

I'm also thinking I should buy a domain for Hamilton Writers cause the current website just isn't cutting it. So many ads. Stupid Freeservers...

And don't get me started on domains! We're coming up on May and marylin.ca has been offline since February because people are fucking stupid and don't know how to do their jobs. All I want to know is how to point my domain to the right server. It's been almost three months now and I'm still working on the problem. How stupid is that?

Ummm I've been meeting with a new group in Hamilton, currently called 'Hamilton Hacker Space' and that's been pretty cool. The plan is to rent a space in the city to share for projects of any kind that you don't really have room for or don't want to do in your home. It's for artists, crafters, DIYers, hackers, computer geeks, etc etc etc. We're currently looking for a place, so the verdict is still out on whether or not I'll be able to be an active member - it all depends on the location of the space. I don't drive, I can't walk far, and when it comes to winter months, it's impossible to get me out very far.

What else... 'Main Desserts' on Main and Locke is no more and has been replaced with 'Shanti Yoga'. The cake at 'Main Desserts' was to die for, but I think I need a yoga center more. They offer belly dancing, which I really wanna do, and on Friday nights there's meditation and chanting so I'm gonna check that out with Jodie (my super awesome friend and neighbour) this week. I could really use it.

I'm happy that the warmer weather is coming around. I'm gonna start going for walks. Need to get a new mp3 player.

I dunno what else... I'm itching to do art but my living room is all fucked-up cause I'm painting... most of my materials are kind of inaccessible. I should do something about that tomorrow gods damnit. A friend wants to do an art swap with me so I guess I'd better.

I'm tired. T.V. kills brain cells.

I saw the series finale of 'Corner Gas' tonight - I'm gonna miss that show. Canada pulled off a sitcom in the middle of R-E-G-I-N-A and it was SUCCESSFUL. That's quite the accomplishment. Kudos. Canada rocks... and we're funny as fuck.

This blog is pissing me off. I hate the colour combinations! I'm so bad with colour! Yet I do art, go figure. But yes, it's driving me crazy. I want some pink... how hard can that be? *sniff sniff* Alas I won't fret about it now... *grumble*

I think I might be driving my neighbours crazy with my over-playing of Amanda Palmer's new album. She kicks the can across the street though so fuck them. I want her photo book... photos of the dead Amanda Palmer... beautifully sick.... Amanda Fucking Palmer.

Ok no more of this nonsense. I'm getting too comfortable with this blogging thing eh? So now you know what's goin' on in a nutshell.

There will never be enough space to fill the thoughts in my head, but I appreciate this piece of the world wide interwebz, I really do.

And so I go.

-Love Marylin.

Cubism

2009-04-17T18:45:00.002-04:00

Don't look at me like that! I made a post but it's private so if you care enough to read it, ya gotta go become my friend on LiveJournal

I would also like to encourage you to go register at www.hypercube.ca to vote for my friend Sunny so that she can win a Nissan Cube because she deserves it very much :) Voting is daily, not sure how long it goes for at the moment.

This is her page - Sunny’s Audition Canvas and this is her husband's page - Blake’s Audition Canvas

Bookmark those pages and go vote for them daily.

If you are like me and think they should have a Cube, please spread the word, repost this, bug people you know, etc.

Thanks!

-Love Marylin.

It Really Is Gross

2009-04-15T14:10:00.000-04:00

First 'what the fuck' of the day is my continual shock at how people can be so two faced and get away with it. I think it keeps surprising me because I always want to believe the best of people. The verdict is still out on whether or not that makes me the idiot, or them.

This chick I know, we'll call her S, (who just might be crazier than I am), is now all buddy-buddy best friends forever with this other chick I know, who we will call J, when just a few weeks ago, S was totally bad-mouthing J and saying she would never be friends with her because yada yada yada (basically a bunch of stuff that she now apparently doesn't care about). Not only that, but J wasn't too keen on S either.

Why does it bother me enough to be writing about it in my blog? Maybe because I know that S is and has deceived a lot of people under the guise of genuine love and healing and to my knowledge, no one has ever called her out on it. I don't think she's ever really had to face the consequences of her actions and I guess I'm saying that's bullshit. And I was a victim as well.

Maybe it's hard to react to - how do you deal with someone who seems to be the epitome of passive-aggression? My only hope is that karma will straighten things out.

Most of my friends are men, and for a very good reason - girls suck. Girls can't co-exist without bullshit ensuing. But I'd been missing having a gal-pal to talk to - talking exclusively to men about my problems was starting to fuck me up lol. So I thought I'd open myself up to girlfriends again, which was wonderful until heads began to double and I was once again reminded why there aren't many girls in my life.

I don't get it. THIS is what's keeping us from running the world, ladies. Save the drama for your mama.

Anywho, I'm not writing off females again, I'm just gonna be a lot more careful from now on and especially avoid situations where there are too many vajajays (that one's just for you Sunny) in the same room.

Speaking of Sunny - she's a girl. She's awesome. Hopefully I will find more where she came from as far as gals go. I'm too naive for this society damnit.

Anyway, just remember that if you care at all about having any class, lop off that second face right now and bury it deep in the ground because, in the words of Bob Saget, "that shit ain't right."

Oh lordy, who will censor the censors?

-Love Marylin.

Uh Oh... Hot Dog!

2009-04-10T23:41:00.000-04:00

Good Friday. Dead Christ. I never did get sensitized to the images and statues of the bloody, gory Jesus nailed to the cross. Okay I guess this can be about religion.

So Jesus Christ endured torture and was crucified for calling himself 'King of the Jews' - the powers that were did not dig that, that was just crazy talk, blasphemy. But Jesus didn't back down because he truly believed this to be true.

Apparently, he knew that this was going to happen and he had prepared himself to sacrifice his life to prove (for lack of a better word) that he really was 'King of the Jews' - that he was the one, the light, the way. Basically, he was saying, 'look, everything I've been teaching you is true. And just to make sure you really have faith, I'm gonna endure torture and crucifixion because that's how much I believe in what I'm saying.

So he martyrs himself, but the kicker is the resurrection. He shows himself after death: 'see? there is life after death! It's all good... just follow my light and you'll be a happy soul!' or something like that. The point is that his statement was quite drastic, he wanted to prove his point so that others could live a better life and not fear death and a whole bunch more awesome things.

Now how literally you take this story depends on your beliefs: as far as I understand, most Christians believe that Jesus was the son of God in its most literal meaning - that God (man in sky) somehow impregnated a virgin and the resulting child was not human, but deity. And they also say Jesus is God, so who knows.

My beliefs are a tad different: as cool as deities are, I know that they are physical manifestations/representations of some energy or another. God = Energy. I = Energy. You = Energy. The frequency of energy at which you and I vibrate varies, but is drastically lower than the energy that "god" energy vibrates. That's the reason it is god energy - it's on another level. The higher the energy frequency is, the lighter it gets and who knows what happens to it once it gets to a certain level. The highest energy we can imagine is what would be considered "God." But everything else is energy as well and all energy has the same potential, hence God is everything, everything is God, and God is in everything.

SO...

When I apply this theory to Jesus, the son of God, I get this:

There once was a man who was born with the purpose of showing many people a different way to live in order to help them evolve, etc. He was a very evolved man, his energy frequency was very high. Son of God = Son of light = child of light. Yep. He was a child of light.

Of course, the story is never as simple as that. If I were having a conversation about this, I'd be asked a lot of why's and how's to back up my theory. Some of those why's and how's aren't hard to figure out and some of them take some thought. I won't get into any of them here because it's hard to know where to stop and if I ever get off my ass (or on my ass) and write the book I've been planning for the last few years, you can read it all there.

But I've gone way off the point now. Maybe my point is that there's truth to every tale aaaand you shouldn't take everything at face value because the world of spirituality is almost always spoken in a language of symbolism and metaphor. If you don't believe me, read some mythology or take up dream interpretation for that matter.

So today people celebrate the death of Jesus of Nazareth (aka the Christ), because it was a sacrifice so that we would have faith. I wonder if they have a holiday for the day the Buddha died... hmmm.

On a completely different note, I got the first coat of paint done today in my living room. The colour is very vibrant but looks a lot different then it did in the store because my lighting absolutely sucks so I plan on replacing my bulbs as well. Right now, the colour looks bright/dark orange - it's really nice. I'll do coat #2 tomorrow. I didn't realize how painful it would be on the old arthritis, but there's no turnin' back now!

If you don't know who you are, how can you find your voice? Think about it.

-Love Marylin.

Holy Tomato!

2009-04-09T17:38:00.002-04:00

The meal I just had was so fucking good I just had to share it.

First of all, organic cherry tomatoes from the farmer's market = heaven... I don't think I've tasted tomato with flavour like that since I was little, seriously.

I fried up leek, garlic, celery, mushroom, spinach, and an egg in some olive oil and ate it on a whole wheat pita. Very simple, yes, but it was so good! I don't know why. And the egg could have easily been replaced with tofu.

It's good that I'm getting excited about veggies again. I'm slowly starting to feel a bit more "alive" - my body is celebrating the return of real food.

I was ready to go for a nap after eating, but now I think I'll stay up and make tea and do something productive... at least I'll try - I'm kinda bored today.

Tim picked me up and we went and got the paint and supplies I need at Home Depot. I picked a colour called "Dare Devil" so that should be interesting.

Here's what the room basically looks like right now:

The plan is to take most of the furniture out and paint. Then I'm having wall shelves put up with the help of my friend Sean. Other then that, you'll have to wait and see because of course I'll be posing 'after' pictures as well.

Other then doing some reading and giving some feedback, I've got nothin' goin' on this weekend so I'll likely get at least the first coat done.

What else... the doc doubled my meds today...

I'm feeling optimistic yet pretty miserable. I only got about three hours sleep and that nap is still tempting...

-Love Marylin.

This Little Piggy Went To Market

2009-04-08T22:28:00.002-04:00

I went to the Farmer's Market yesterday and spent about fifty bucks on veggies. Some fruit too. My poor body was/is craving nutrition desperately so now my fridge is full of colourful, living things and I'm quite excited, believe it or not, to be eating it all. I got:

mushrooms
grapes
bananas
snow peas
papaya
spinach
leeks
romaine lettuce
cherry tomatoes
beets
celery
cucumber
onions
garlic
tomatoes
cilantro
strawberries
blackberries
red peppers
yam
potatoes
pineapple

and I also picked up some coriander and raw honey while I was there.

I don't know why I felt the need to post a list of what I got, maybe I'm just excited to not be eating crap. I'm just gonna binge on veggies if I have to because I'm at the end of my rope here. I'm not even concerning myself with counting calories or anything, just eat regularly, eat the good healthy stuff, and go from there.

Tonight Don came over and I made a really frikken delicious dinner consisting of red peppers, onions, garlic, fresh cilantro, black beans, stewed tomatoes, coconut oil, and spices (chili powder, cumin, and cayenne pepper) served on top of brown rice and topped with cheddar cheese (for Don) and a dollop of sour cream... soooo good.

Tomorrow I'm gonna start my day with a breakfast (gasp) of oatmeal and berries. Then Tim is gonna take me to get paint and supplies so I can finally paint my living room. At least I'll have something to do during this long weekend while everyone else enjoys turkey and chocolate and love :P

I don't know why I'm so tired right now, but my brain isn't completely on and I'm trying to fight it cause I wanna write more. must... write...

See I'm trying to get something out but the words are not forming... something to do with missing long chats with ning folks and always having someone to talk to and how it's kinda lonely now, kinda sad.

I'm practically nodding off so...

zzzzzzzzzzzz

-Love Marylin.

P.S. This blog is in dire need of a tag-reno as well as a bit of redesign!

Dreaming My Dreams...

2009-04-05T22:20:00.003-04:00

-Love Marylin.

Planning For My Thirties

2009-04-04T22:47:00.004-04:00

April is here: month four - a quarter of the year passed.

This year was to be the year of 'Marylin' - the year where I stopped moaning and actually acted on life. Because when last new year's came around and the question of "what are your resolutions for 2009?" started popping up, I realized that the resolutions I had were the exact same resolutions (for the most part) I'd had every year for pretty much a decade.

I am twenty seven years old. I cannot go into my thirties with the same energy as I've been spending in my twenties. I just can't. I know I wasted a fucking decade - I can't do it again.

It's not that I've done nothing, it's that I've done a very small fraction of what I have the potential and drive to do/achieve. I've only lived a small fraction of the life I've wanted to live.

Over these years I have made some progress. I've realized a lot of the limitations I was fighting against were not as controllable as I thought. Once I stopped fighting certain things, so much stress and sadness was taken away.

All my life I've suffered from sleeping problems, which have caused a lot of problems for me regarding school, work, appointments, and even socially.

I've strived all these years to take control of my sleep patterns, thinking I just wasn't trying hard enough.

Finally, a few years ago I had an over-night sleep study done that revealed I had what's called Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder.

The doctor explained to me that trying to fight it is fruitless because it is a neurological problem, it's just the way my brain works, and that I should try to work with it if I want to be happy. One of the best things for someone with DSPD is to do a job where you can set your own hours, like writing, for example.

Great! I thought. I am a writer! This just gives me another reason to justify writing for a living.

So after this new information was made known to me, I slowly stopped fighting against the sleep issues and that has made a world of difference. I don't feel guilty or stressed out anymore about it. This has made me a happier person in general.

Ask me how my writing career is going.

Well, just take a look at my ISBN collection and that should answer your question.

Isn't it funny what excuses we can make for our lack of productivity? Mmmhmmm.

Another obstacle that came about right when my twenties started was being "disabled."

Yes, I was about twenty when I couldn't take the pain and fatigue anymore. That's when they diagnosed me with the osteoarthritis and the fibromyalgia.

I can't even begin to talk about how weird that is/was for me. I've never been a very active person, so it left everyone baffled as to why I would get osteoarthritis, and so young too. I got the fucker all over the body too. The fibro is a little more understandable, my mum has that too, but still, at twenty?

Suffice it to say, these have factored into my life substantially. It is quite hard for me to walk very far, let alone do much rigorous exercise. It makes me an outsider to my peers, who sometimes don't quite understand why we can't take that twenty minute walk to "insert place." It's embarrassing, especially because I've never been very vocal about my issues, so it just makes me look really lazy to people, since you can't see my disabilities just by looking at me.

It's also hindered my ability to lose weight. Not only is exercise difficult, but the fibro effects your metabolism and also includes depression as a side effect, which I already suffer from. (But I'll get to the weight and the depression as well.)

I don't feel sorry for myself about my physical disabilities. I'm okay with adjusting my life because of them. I just still can't bring myself to accept that I can't exercise the way other people can and I know my refusal to accept this is only because of my desire to lose weight and be healthy.

I've finally accepted that I can't be as active as most of my peers, and I've been working on being more vocal about it, but I still have shame, and I hate that I have that shame, hence more shame. I don't want to be a pain in the ass ya know?

Anyway, I have come to a place where all those feelings of shame and of trying to fight the illnesses have lessened a great deal, which means, again, that I am a happier person with a lot less stress.

Then there is the mental catastrophe to talk about.

I honestly think I had depression as a child when I look back, but there's no way to know. What I do know is that when I hit my early teens, I had it. I had really bad depression and I didn't know it was depression, I just thought I was a really sensitive person lol. A misunderstood teen.

I didn't realize I might have a problem till I was nineteen, living in a bachelor apartment that I'd rented with no employment to speak of, where I spent the majority of my time filling binders full of get-rich-quick ideas and reading tarot cards over the phone for Miss Cleo (without payment).

If you don't remember Miss Cleo, let me refresh your memory:

Three months later I found myself unable to get up from my futon because i was "inexplicably" paralyzed with depression. But this was before I started hallucinating and being afraid to go outside...

The worst part of it was that my entire family suffers from a cornucopia of lovely mental illnesses and not once did anyone in my family suggest that I might also be afflicted - they all just thought I was the "normal" one. The one who would actually go somewhere in life.

Anyway, so I sought help and was diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders. The little pink pill (paxil) they gave me made me feel better for about a year, but when it stopped working, things were a lot worse and this coincided with the worsening (and discovering) of my physical issues.

Since the initial diagnoses, I'd been seeking proper help in the form of therapy to no avail, and ended up being switched to effexor for a while (this made me worse), and then to celexa (which helped a lot and which I still take now) by a family doctor who I all but reported for malpractice for so many reasons.

I was monitoring my own meds and recieving zero therapy due to long waiting lists and a bitch of an ex-roommate who failed to deliver a very important phone message to me.

It wasn't until late last year that my name finally reached the top of a waiting list and I got myself a proper therapist, working under a psychiatrist.

The official diagnoses was Borderline Personality Disorder (which I knew) and they are keeping an eye out for signs of bipolar, which is tricky because you can have both, but it's hard to tell since people with BPD usually exhibit a lot of similar traits as people with Bipolar. Either way, I'm sick in the noggin'.

The good news is I'm finally getting help. There's a program that people with BDP can go through called Dialectic Behavoural Therapy that I'm on the waiting list for. This is supposed to help drastically with my issues and help me deal with things in my life.

As for what I can do to actually fight my mental issues, I 'm really not sure. Trying to fight them in the past, as if they weren't a reality, usually proved to create more guilt and so the cycle goes. I've learned that if I don't take my illnesses into consideration, it will lead to unnecessary disappointment.

The problem is that until I do what I need to do/learn what I need to learn therapy wise, I keep going through the same mental issues as always, and as always, they take me two steps backwards. It's always a matter of keeping my head above the water, and after so many years, that is very tiring and makes it more and more tempting to just let go, to give in, to drown.

My mental illness is the strongest force in my life - it paralyzes me and I can never get used to it, because if I did, it would mean being satisfied with not improving myself or my situation.

This is the obstacle in my life that fuels the other obstacles, the obstacle that prevents the other obstacles from being removed.

If the plant continues to grow, it's kind of hard to prevent the leaves from coming back, season after season.

I'm overweight because I was so depressed that I didn't care. I'm still overweight because I'm still depressed and I use food as a drug because I don't know how to manage my emotions properly. I'm still overweight because I have osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia, which fuck up my physical activity and metabolism.

I'm overweight, which makes the physical disabilities worse, because my poor joints have to carry all that extra weight, which makes physical activity even harder, which makes losing weight even harder.

I'm overweight, which makes me depressed because I'm not happy with my body, which has given me a low self-esteem, which has effected my social life, which has made me more depressed and withdrawn, which has made me want to eat more...

It's all mental though. My own mind has created my own misery and what will happen if I can't change my mind? I wish it was more of a choice. I wish I could just buck-up and get on with life. But it's more complicated then that. I can buck-up, but it's only a matter of time before it catches up with me again and the fall is always so hard.

I feel like a whiny baby complaining. But this is my reality. I wish I were just a whiny baby, so someone reading this could slap me in the face and show me my own stupidity, and then I could move on.

So this is my reality.

I have osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia that I receive disability for because I can't work. I have this delayed sleep phase disorder that prevents me from keeping a normal schedule, which is okay, because I don't work anyway. I don't work, which allows me the opportunity to actually write and follow my dream of being a successful writer.

All of this seems to work itself out... it almost seems like the universe planned it that way for a reason.

But my reality includes this debilitating mental illness, which seems to be THE obstacle standing in my way. It scares the shit out of me to think that I'll be this stagnant and unable to escape when I'm thirty seven. I can't deal with that, I have way too much potential for that to happen.

They're playing with meds (carefully) and I'm seeing a really good therapist on a regular basis. I should be getting into the DBT program thingy quite soon according to her, at which time I'll still be seeing her.

Aside from trying again and again and not giving up, I'm really counting on the program and the therapy to give me a lot of what I need to improve the way I live my life.

And it will be completed before I turn thirty.

Something else I'm starting to consider is gastric bypass surgery. I've obviously considered it many times before, but was always against it because it's unnatural.

But now the pros are really beginning to out-weight the cons: this surgery would make me lose weight, which would take stress off my joints, which would allow me to be more active, which would improve my overall health and lessen my general pain, which would make me more generally happy. I would not be so disgusted with my body, which would make me feel more confident, which would give me higher self-esteem, which would make me happier and improve my social life, which would make me happier as well.

It would be a huge thing to not have to worry about, which would free up so much energy. It would drastically effect my mental state and level of self-love.

I'm not saying that losing weight would solve my problems. I'm naive but not that naive. I just know that it would be a gigantic step toward improving my life.

The only concern I have is that getting such a surgery would not change my eating behaviours in itself, so I would definitely need to get help on that part of the deal.

So those are two gigantic things that will be happening before the big 3-0 (not sure about the surgery yet though).

I'm so tired right now that the usual momentum I'd have for "trying again, but this time better" is not showing itself. The thought of listing all of the things I need/want to accomplish is so overwhelming that I think it's best if I just try to keep it simple until I'm more capable of pondering more. Even the simple things are making my heart rate a little jumpy.

1. Take good care of myself.

That's my first job. I'll go from there.

I'm actually not done writing this entry, but my eyes are getting a lil' tired so I'll end it for now.

If you've read all this, well, you're a trooper! Thanks :)

Love Marylin.

Projects Gone Horribly Wrong

2009-04-01T23:53:00.000-04:00

The Vulva project died a silent and painful death, without explanation to any of the eager folks who were on the edge of their seats in anticipation for today… as today was to be the opening of the Vulva community.

I’d like to say a few things about Vulva.

1. Vulva began with the best of intentions, and on the path it was going (with its editor’s tireless work and creativity) it was to be something quite spectacular, something to be proud of and something a lot of women (and men) would have benefited from.

2. Without proper communication from all parties involved in a project, the project is likely to go awry. This is what happened with Vulva. Some people realized that they had bitten off more then they could chew and for reasons unknown could not communicate this to the rest of the people involved.

3. If you’re going to go into a project as hefty as a magazine/community with friends, you are taking a big risk – you could lose friends if all involved are not capable of proper communication. On the other hand, the risk could be fruitful… this was not the case with Vulva.

4. Note for the future: don’t talk about a project until it’s ready to go. This will prevent you from looking like an idiot if the project fails before it even begins.

5. Always make sure your vision is the same vision the others have. My idea of feminism seemed to greatly differ from some of the other project participants. That can’t work – the vision has to be the same, so make sure you figure that out before you go forward.

6. If your project does not work out, take what you’ve learned from the experience and move forward to bigger and better things.

7. Another good rule of thumb is that if a group project fails, never go ahead with that project afterward on your own without discussing it first with the people who were involved – that is no different than stealing, unless the idea was originally yours, than don’t even think about it, it would be tacky. Besides, they would probably give you the okay if asked first.

8. If it weren’t for Vulva, I probably would not have gotten to know its editor as well as I have and we may not have become friends… so I’m thankful to Vulva for that, it is very much in the Vulva spirit :P Like I said before, take what you can from the experience and move on.

9. Luckily, there are many other publications and communities out there that share the same voice that Vulva had/was to have, so anyone disappointed that Vulva never got off the ground can check these other projects: http://vaginapagina.com/ is probably a great place to start.

10. I won’t get into the details of what a nightmare the Vulva project became at its end, but I will say that it ended with the best of intentions, for the sake of saving friendships, because some of us believe that friendships are more important than PDFs.

I’m all vulva at heart and the seed of what made Vulva a great idea has not died, it will just have to grow in other places.

R.I.P. Vulvazine

-Love Marylin.

I [<3] Sunny !

2009-04-01T01:08:00.001-04:00

So my friend Sunny is trying to win a Nissan Cube via a contest they are having in which fifty of the most creative and unique folks are chosen as the lucky winners.

I really hope she wins, she could really use it as part of her plan for immersion therapy. Plus, I'm hoping she'll drive her sweet-ass ride to Hamilton to hang out with me eventually ;)

Well, it doesn't hurt that she's one of the most hyper-creative people I've ever met - she's pretty awesome and is dedicating a lot of her time and energy toward this competition.

George and I want to show her our full support...

If you're interested in seeing a deserving gal win something that will vastly improve her life and mental health, go check her out and show her your support too!

And here's some snapshots of George's photo-shoot... you just... had to be there...

click photo to enlarge

-Love Marylin.

Alone But Surrounded

2009-03-29T18:36:00.002-04:00

The following statement really made me think:

Amanda Palmer: The Village People.

And I think I have to agree. I've never thought of it that way, but it's so true. I think I can safely say that each individual has their own worries, pains, dramas, etc. It is hard to deal with life sometimes. So being connecting to an endless amount of people has got to be overwhelming, to say the least.

We don't even think about it anymore, it's become a way of life, we didn't have time to stop and consider if we wanted it this way, or if we had a choice.

Would there be so many people suffering from mental health problems if it wasn't such "a small world"? I have major stress just from connection with my immediate family, let alone friends, hundreds of acquaintances, hundreds more passers-by, and hundreds and hundreds more faces, opinions, voices on the internet.

But not once did I consider this to have a thing to do with the state of my mental health.

Would things be as depressing if there weren't so many people alive? If cars hadn't been invented, leaving us stuck in our own little few miles of the world? Who knows.

I do think that there wouldn't be as much of a problem if people had been more conscious of the changes. But we really weren't, we just watched it all happen and integrated it all into our lives without too much thought.

The world has grown so big: most people don't live a simple life anymore... we've lost touch with a lot of things that made us feel real connection. When something as vital as that is missing, who wouldn't get depressed/anxious, etc.?

Families don't stay together... they move all over the world and rarely see each other. People seem to enjoy text messaging instead of having a face-to-face conversation. Everyone has become distrustful of everyone else. Yada yada yada we all know what's wrong with the world so I'll stop there.

Can we blame it on over-population? Technology? And what is the solution?

Good questions. Any thoughts?

I guess being conscious of it is a good first step. All I know is it seems the more people we have, the more pretty pills are invented. People are becoming the disease.

I think a lot of the technology has been a good thing: because of phones, vehicles, and internet, more people can stay in touch - no need to feel so lonely with all that possibility of connection. But there's always another side to the coin: too much connection is just as bad as too much anything I would think - too little or too much of anything can have bad consequences. And a lot of the connection going on is not true connection, just niceties in the guise of connection.

We are over-populated and lonely as hell. Oddly enough, it is a choice. Everything is a choice. Even waking up to it is a choice.

Now I shall go away and ponder how all of this effects me personally, and see if I can't make my own mental health just a little bit better.

I leave you with this video to chew on:

-Love Marylin.

Yellow

2009-03-28T02:41:00.006-04:00

I'm a little bit drunk right now: split a bottle of red wine with Tim tonight. He's gone and I'm here, kinda bored. So sore today. A hot tub would be grand right now.

The only thing being drunk is productive for is taking away your inhibitions, and writing... not necessarily good writing, but writing nonetheless.

*burp

Approximately two years ago while gallivanting around the Hamilton Art Gallery, I asked Tim if he'd be so kind as to paint me a yellow painting. No idea why I asked that it be yellow, but I did. Well, he finally decided it was done and he brought it over tonight to give me: it's pretty cool I must say, and I can't believe he actually did that for me: even my ex flaked on doing the painting he said he was gonna do for me (bastard).

So yay for Tim, who is becoming quite the successful artist but seems to be a tad shy in doing any promotion of himself whatsoever... I can't even point you to a link.

He has some magic fingers... he does.

I'm getting the feeling that this weekend is going to be very "blah" but I hope I'm wrong.

Anyway, here's a picture.

So now I have to paint my living room (like I was supposed to do a month ago) because this painting needs a nice wall to be hung on. If only I could decide on which shade of red...

That's it for now, be good folks.

-Love Marylin.

Re-hydrating

2009-03-27T00:05:00.006-04:00

I'm still alive. I'm still good.

-Love Marylin.

A Bit Bored

2009-03-24T15:53:00.000-04:00

I just got home from getting my bangs trimmed. I was terrified of going but for some reason I've felt a lot better since Don was here last night so I think that's what helped push me out the door. Mind you I took the stair-well and snuck out the side door, but I did it.

I have to admit, the worst part of it was the trimming of the bangs... she took less then a minute and left them so very uneven - they're crooked for goodness sake! Plus, I cannot stand the mirrors in hair salons: they are the scariest mirrors I've ever looked in, they make me look my very worst and I always get sad when I see myself in them.

Waiting for the second bus was shitty because it's still way too cold for my liking, but all in all I did good. I'm back at home behind locked doors and back in my comfies, smoking and typing, the way it oughta be. Because it's not as if I don't enjoy being behind my desk all the time, it's that I want it to be for no other reason than 100% choice.

Being out today also made me very uncomfortable and self concious about my weight: I'm already big, but this past while I've gained more and am carrying a lot of bloat from sitting all the time. So I gotta take care of that *sniffles. I need the stupid weather to warm up, and I've decided I need a new mp3 player because I hate walking, but I don't mind it when I'm listening to music so I think that's important. The one I have now cost $15 and broke after two months lol. I really have no idea how much a decent one would cost... I just want it to play the music, no other fancy tricks necessary.

So I need some mace and an mp3 player.

I'm hoping this lessening of anxiety persists - otherwise I don't see how I can deal with things in any constructive way.

Feeling fugly and slightly optimistic.

-Love Marylin.

It Runs In The Family

2009-03-22T22:19:00.006-04:00

Trying to distract myself by working on web stuff, I'm so sick of the blah-ness of this blog but I was too busy messing around with my profile that I'm kinda too tired to start messing with colours... css and me are not the best of friends.

I recently started a LiveJournal, light pink and white, a far cry from this black black black blog. Whatever. That's not really what I wanna talk about.

I just wanna get off my chest that

I'm tired of the way things are my hair is always getting wet I'm always in the undertow I'm always in the undertow. The rape you gave me, take it back, the sick and twisted love you spoke, you spoke and now I never never want to hear your voice again. Things are NEVER going to be the same. I'm too fucking strong. Just knock me down, knock me down and watch me thrive on it... THRIVE on it. Enough. Done. Done. Done. I've cracked too many times this year already to remain in the shell, it's broken now. Broken. Fuck. You. Good. Bye. I'm waking up now.

i can run using every last ounce of energy
i cannot
i cannot
i cannot
run from my family
they’re hiding inside me
corpses on ice
come in if you’d like
but just don’t tell my family
they’d never forgive me
they’ll say that i’m crazy
but they would say anything if it would
shut me up.....

-Love Marylin.

Oh Look, She's Being Melodramatic Again.

2009-03-20T17:19:00.003-04:00

I need to do the dishes. I need to do the laundry. I need to go to the market. I need to get a haircut. I need to do my taxes. I need to trim George's nails. I need to buy paint. I need to mail the book I sold almost a month ago. I need to shave. I need to make some phone calls. I need to get my prescriptions. I need to arrange for a new place to have my writer's meetings. I need to find out what's going on with my domain. I need to do my passport application. I need to buy some new clothes. I need to work on my book and my art. I need to meditate. I need to breathe. I need to do this.

I need to insure that the scars on my arms remain scars and I need to insure that everything I do from now on is going to be loud enough.

I need to be loud or I need to go away... rest. I don't want to become one of those people whose presence everyone dreads because maybe I'm not feeling so chipper. But what am I supposed to do? Everyone tells me what I need to do, what they think I should do, and they all say the same thing... but I can't do what they ask of me and I don't know if they really understand why.

But I am one of the most naive people I know so what if I am suffering for a cause I created in my own weird mind?

I don't know, but I can't do what you ask of me, not right now. Not while the cause still feels right. Because it wouldn't help anyway, it would take me to an even worse place.

Maybe I should just give in and get some pills. I hear you can just take them when you need them, which is much better than doing it regularly. I don't want to be on too many pills - I don't want to become a zombie who takes meds to medicate the ills of my other meds. I'll do some research online about them after I'm done posting.

Anyway, I simply refuse to let this take control of me again. I'm still fighting to improve my life from the mess it left before. I called my hairdresser this morning to make an appointment for next week and had a god damn anxiety attack over it. Fuck that! I'll do almost anything it takes to insure that that shit goes away... just tell me what I have to do please.

Seriously. Tell me.

-Love Marylin.

Between Safe And Dangerous Waters

2009-03-10T23:31:00.007-04:00

I fell asleep earlier today watching a four hour-long documentary about Mark Twain... nothing against the man, I just haven't been able to stay awake for long intervals these past few days. So far I'm impressed. He was born Samuel Clemens. He gave himself the name Mark Twain, which is the signal for being in between dangerous and safe waters. Very cool. I'll have to get back to that when I have the energy.

I'm the kinda gal who has a lot of time on her hands to think, so I know I do too much of that, but I say it's better than not thinking enough. When the television turns on, that's when people should start worrying: that is when I've thought myself into my own little hell and the only thing dumb enough to distract me is the T.V.

I hate the T.V. and I'm like some drooling, catatonic, shell of a person who can't muster up enough will to do anything but sleep. I put the T.V. on and let the noises fill my empty apartment, so that something else seems to live here, something I can pay attention to to forget myself.

Let me ask you this: have you ever really sat down with your thoughts and wondered what it is that you REALLY get out of bed for everyday? I mean, seriously, it might be your children, your significant other, your family, your friends, your career, or maybe you don't even have a reason, you just do it mindlessly because that's the way it is.

Well I'm too awake these days to do most things mindlessly, so I do not have an answer that comes to mind for this question. I have partial reasons, reasons I LIKE to live but that can easily be discounted in my mind as not REAL enough reasons to want to wake up everyday.

I want to write. I can't write if I'm dead. I have a hard-on for nature, though I rarely get to see any. I want to be with some people whom I love very much, but nothing lasts forever so I won't get to be with them always anyway. I wouldn't mind more mind-blowing orgasms either, but sex is unreliable too.

I'm just saying, these are all great reasons to get out of bed everyday, but not one of them seems relevant enough to be THE reason. What is my reason? What the fuck am I doing awake? I'm not saying I don't want to be alive, I'm just having a hard time not knowing why I remain so.

-Love Marylin.

Already March

2009-03-03T19:11:00.003-05:00

If you listen closely you can hear the sound of my teeth grinding. I barely notice it myself. I haven't been able to breathe for at least a week now and I've been disturbingly dizzy for the past couple of days.

I used to live like this for months on end.

And didn't really notice it... I knew it was happening and that it was making me miserable but I didn't really notice it, I didn't realize what it was. I wasn't as awake as I am now.

I'm going through a withdrawal of sorts and did not expect this level of anxiety to creep up on me - I more or less expected bouts of depression for a while, but not this near-crippling anxiety. I should have known it might be harder than quitting smoking...

I'm frustrated, not sure what to do to ease these symptoms and afraid that they might stay just long enough to fuck my life up all over again - the life I am just beginning to recreate for myself, that I've been through hell to get to.

I'll probably be just fine, but right now it doesn't feel that way, my heart is beating too fast. Its making me tired. I need the sound of George's purr in my ear, my Georgie's little kitty motor.

Marylin.ca has a new home, a better home no doubt, than its horrid predecessor canaca... oh canaca, I have already uttered your name too many times in this blog post for my liking... you do not deserve the advertising, not even the negative advertising.

Anyway, I just have to set it up and its all yours again, ladies and gentlemen.

P.S. please do not tell me to go and get some drugs for my anxiety... what ever happened to dealing with things without chemicals? If I'm able to, why not? If I'm unable to, I will call my doctor.

P.P.S. I want a sybian for Christmas, Santa Claus.

-Love Marylin.

About Me

2009-03-01T16:00:00.024-05:00

Marylin means bittersweet – bipolar – yin yang - mixed blessing. It sums up my life quite succinctly actually, especially the most recent chapter.

I have a love/hate relationship with Hamilton, the dirty old town in southern Ontario where I was born and raised. The culture here is amazing – full of art, music, theater, literature... but it lacks the nature I love so much. Mostly cement and smog here. Cement, smog, and potential.

I have had an interesting mixture of employment through my life… from owning my own small publishing company to reading tarot cards over the phone for Miss Cleo.

In my early twenties I was working at a promising office job but my health was quickly deteriorating… I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis, having to leave work and face a very different life.

The Universe had stuck me with some really crappy health challenges... but in exchange, she made it possible for me to do exactly what I was made to do – write. A very mixed blessing for one who isn’t programmed to be successful or happy working at a regular job… one where you have to be there at a certain time, and all that rot.

It’s been an interesting journey with a lot of bumps in the road. As an added bonus to my life adventures, I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder - every day is a struggle.

But I get to write. I get to sit down in my PJs and write. That’s the blessing part of this mixed up story. Writing is in my blood, it’s like air to me.

So that’s where I am: sitting at my desk at home, slowly working out my plan to become a famous word genius ;)

I'm a very passionate person, never knowing what I’ll write about next, but I assure you, I make no apologies for it.

I love to read, I love to make art, I love to cook/bake, I love to play around with web design and I love being with my friends, who constantly encourage and challenge me.

I’m working on my second poetry collection, and will be teaching an online poetry workshop in September.

To learn more about me, check out my:

Website
Facebook Page
Live Journal
Follow Me On Twitter

If you love me, feel free to buy me a present or make a donation.

Let's Move On

2009-02-26T14:22:00.008-05:00

Fabrice Lavollay

He is a red, swinging skull
With four oak spiders
Crawling inside
He is a sleeping
Banana car
And another tweet
From a fiddle
He is the same remaining song
On a sofa
In Prague
He is a deer
Of the earth
And a red, swinging skull

-Love Marylin.

Hormonal Possession

2009-02-23T00:09:00.005-05:00

I'm having such a bad night. Not only has the PMS from hell taken over me for pretty much the past week, but now I'm fucking depressed too: it's my fault I'm sure...

I just have that horrible sadness inside me right now that likes to come out when I'm not paying close attention... that symptom of fear... that part of me that feels like it's losing something (someone) dear.

I'm just so afraid of having to lose the same person twice and that everything I've been suffering for has been in vain. I'm afraid I'm a fool and am coming closer and closer to finding out that is the truth after all.

Relationships seem so... flimsy. No, they're not flimsy, but the things that hold them together - it seems like, no IT IS like, there are no guarantees and that scares the shit out of me. Let me say that again: it scares the fucking shit out of me that you can care so much for one person and still lose them.

I've learned that promises made and broken are not lies, but are life... things change, situations change, people change. It does not mean that the promise wasn't sincere at the time. That was a hard one for me to learn, I'm so naive.

But what I don't want to learn, is that a friendship built on so much connection, good intention, love, caring, etc can be dismissed, can end, can die without a fucking force of nature standing in between.

I don't want to learn that. I want to be proven that friends really can be forever.

Like I said, I'm terrified. Not only that, but I'm unable to seek reassurance, which only makes it harder. I just want to stop having to be afraid. I hope I stop being afraid.

-Love Marylin.

Too Tired To Move Out Of The Way

2009-02-19T15:44:00.003-05:00

I'm tired and cranky.

Does this happen to men too? Do they have days where they just wanna lay around, nap, eat brownies, and bitch? Bah - it takes you over!

I don't even have the energy to write this entry.

What I feel like saying is yes, Matthew, men are more charismatic than women because (as studies have shown) they like to take up more physical space than women. Look it up and watch me spread my legs nice and wide when I sit down, because if being "lady-like" (we know ladies keep their knees together now don't we?) means men are seen as the more charismatic sex, then fuck decency, whatever that means.

The most charismatic person I know is a woman. Ha.

Anyway, as soon as women stop to think for a moment about what makes them "lady-like" according to society, and just who made these rules and who died and put them in charge of what is decent, perhaps they can begin to stop trying to make themselves as small as possible and start spreading out a bit.

No idea where that mini-rant came from, like I said, I'm tired and cranky ;)

What else do I feel like saying...

*INSERT SCREAM HERE*

Okay thanks for bearing with me :)

Love Marylin.

Tuesday

2009-02-17T19:32:00.004-05:00

If you want love, so unconditional and real
you gotta ride that
black horse baby
through the depths of hell
that I've been.

-Love Marylin.

V-Sweet

2009-02-14T17:47:00.006-05:00

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."

-Lucille Ball

(from another blog)

Happy Self-Love Day! - Feb. 13th & 14th, 2009

Here’s how the whole thing works:

1.) You’re gonna grab yourself a banner.

2.) You’re gonna post that banner and then tell us all something that you really like love about yourself (thus, the “self-love” portion of our program).

3.) Ask or beg your readers to post one thing that they too love about you!!! If your blog friends are nice, you shouldn’t have to beg…much.

4.) Enjoy yourself and spread the love by doing this on your blog!

Ok, so here it goes: What do I love about myself?

I have amazing inner strength. I am deep and thought provoking. I am loving. I'm a word genius. I have beautiful eyes. I'm creative and smart. I give a shit.

What do YOU love about me?

-Love Marylin.

V-Bitter

2009-02-14T14:39:00.004-05:00

Vomit Day. Hiding away in my apartment but still unable to escape constant fucking reminders that today is the day you celebrate the one you love and the one I fucking love is...

Its ridiculous really, how stupid is it that a silly commercial holiday can effect such bitterness, not just in me, but in anyone who is not happily coupled up. I'm ashamed of it - gross.

You can rattle on and on about how stupid Valentine's day is and its commercial bullshit and it's more fun to be single and how you won't let it get to you... but it still does. It still creeps into you the moment you put your guard down.

Valentine's day is a mind fuck.

They Know That We Don't Know

2009-02-13T21:51:00.000-05:00

deception vomited stained smeared posted voiced filmed raped
even
this
is
probing
even
this
is
registering
programming
intruding
burrowing
like breathing
except
when did we ask to be mind fucked?
learning to hate our clothes our shoes our cars our lovers our lifestyles our fucking brand of deodorant

ourSELVES

THEY
have blown the greener-grass out of proportion -
buying and selling lives that break after six months or
just aren't good enough anymore
they have something new, something better, something that will make you slimmer, smarter, healthier, a better lover, better mother, an advocate of war and and a true patriot...
I am aware, I am immune to them, I am unaffected, I am safe - if only that were true.

'If you can read this than you have just proved that advertising works'

-Love Marylin.

Creeping Out Of The Comfort Zone

2009-02-12T12:55:00.003-05:00

Congratulate me, dear readers, I've lost 9.4 pounds and I'm telling the world! Well, it's a big deal to me, so shut up and be happy for me or go away because I have a long way to go and you'll be hearing about it, that's for sure.

It's a big deal, I'm an emotional eater and I have realized that the reason I haven't been able to lose weight has been because I haven't learned how to manage my emotions. So now that I'm learning to manage my emotions, I am also managing my eating... see how that works? So many years without knowing that... what a shame... but better late than never.

I just realized how uncomfortable I am with sharing this information with the world: there is a lot of shame involved in emotional eating, it's an addiction to something that gives comfort, much like drugs, alcohol, sex... never an easy thing to share. Fuck it. It's time to come out of the comfort zone.

-Love Marylin

The Way We Do The Things We Do

2009-02-10T14:11:00.000-05:00

Why do I do the thing that I do that I know I shouldn't? Good question.

Gray areas.

It's because there are so many gray areas involved that its easy to forget the reasons why I do that thing I do. Focusing on the emotional desire is the easy way, but the way that leads me to misery. Doing the courageous thing is what's hard, it takes conscious thought and conscious effort and PRACTICE... but I seem to keep needing nagging reminders of what it is that I am telling myself what I deserve and why for the love of god I deserve more.

Gray areas are like the little pictures (as opposed to the big picture) and it's easy to get caught up in them because they are just as real/true as the big picture is. You can figure out the big picture, then constantly second guess yourself about it because you are reminded of some little pictures that give evidence to perhaps a different picture altogether.

This doesn't mean the little pictures, or gray areas, should be discounted - I believe they are probably what counts more, they are pieces of the puzzle: you don't know what the puzzle is going to look like but you keep adding pieces - sometimes you can't find the right fit and you get frustrated, and the other times the pieces fit and you feel good. I guess part of it is just how many bad experiences there were compared to how many good experiences.

I cherish the wonderful gray areas I've had and am working hard to make sure there are many more good experiences ahead of me in this particular puzzle... but I will not try to force pieces that don't fit just because it might be easier... if there is resistance, try somewhere else; if I can't for the life of me fit the pieces than maybe I should stop doing the puzzle.

So I continue to work on not doing that thing that I do that I shouldn't do with the knowledge that I deserve love, the kind that is honest and does not hide and does not hurt.

I cannot control others, but I can control myself.

-Love Marylin.

Room To Grow

2009-02-09T13:55:00.004-05:00

I have decided that my living room is in great need of a face-lift: It's cluttered with furniture yet looks empty. Everything in there is there for functional purposes, I don't have a very big apartment so I tend to work/play in the one room.

So the plan is to make this room both functional and appealing... I want to see it and not get anxious because it's so full of clutter. I want to be able to do all my shit as effortlessly as possible... I use the room for guests, for lounging, for writing, for doing arts and crafts, for meditating, for doing yoga, my god is there anything I don't use this room for?

The plan thus far is to paint the room a lovely shade of red, which is a big leap for someone who has always had white walls because she's too afraid of colour! Then I shall get wall shelving for the books, and wall shelving for storage of supplies, knick-knacks, etc. I will take most of the furniture out of there and make a zen corner by the bookshelves, as well as other little details that will make this room awesome.

Next step is to do measurements, and then see what kind of money I'm looking at spending. Should be quite cheap as I plan on getting lumber and cutting it to size myself rather than buying shelves.

Yay! I'm excited! I will post pictures of the finished project, of course :)

Hey mister reader, if you are looking at my messy living space and have an idea for me, feel quite free to leave a comment - I like ideas.

-Love Marylin.

We Didn't Start The Fiya!

2009-02-07T00:30:00.004-05:00

Holy shit! Have you seen the passport applications they expect us to fill out? Seems a bit much, I mean, they make it so hard... I just wanna do a little bit of traveling, ya know? huh. Well it should be worth it, I'm off to sunny California later on this year, a trip I've wanted to take since I was a teeny bopper (omg did I just say teeny bopper? How the hell old AM I?).

What other fun have I been up to besides planning to leave the country? Well I started a ginormous kitchen fire earlier this evening, my biggest so far... oil fire - got so smokey I had to leave cause I couldn't breathe. Scary! I killed that mother fucker with a good bit of baking soda... is there anything baking soda can't do?

I "accidentally" knocked the fire alarm off the wall, and now have a possible live wire hanging out of the wall, which I have been informed is quite the fire hazard itself.

All is well and I was able to complete mum's birthday dinner, and make it pretty darn yummy too! This was the first time I've bought actual meat, actual rotting animal carcass, since spring of 2008... craziness. But a nice juicy steak indeed.

Other than that, I'm contemplating an online poetry workshop... perhaps a collaborative workshop with another artist... stay tuned.

-Love Marylin.

I Don't Know

2009-02-05T19:57:00.002-05:00

I feel like I'm holding onto a kitten while the kitten bites and claws and scratches and kicks its hind legs to get away... but the kitten purrs when I pet him, he eats his kitty treats and he is the nicest kitty cat and cuddles up against me... but only when kitty wants to... a lot of the time when I want love from kitty he will ignore me or hiss at me-he's doesn't want to be bothered right now...

Too bad kitty is just a metaphor because if kitty was really a kitty I would expect such things... but from a human that behaviour is confusing and hurtful.

Loving someone makes it so easy to hurt them really bad... what happens when it becomes intolerable to take?

And when I really think about it, how much would they really care if I wasn't there anymore...

What Do I Hear?

2009-02-03T18:24:00.004-05:00

I hear the kettle letting me know in its insistent noisiness that the water is sufficiently hot. Time to make my favourite tea, my comfort tea, Earl Grey Vanilla: it's one of those Tetley specialty canister teas. I have a bad feeling it was discontinued - I haven't had to buy any in so long because I stocked up.

Anyway, I love this tea. And I'm having a blaaaaa day and my special tea is going to bring me back to my warm and fuzzy self, mhmm, that's me alright ;)

I hate bla days. I do I do. They're yucky and don't seem to serve much of a point. Just gotta drink my tea and occupy myself with other good things, ride it out until tomorrow...

I'm trying to write an entry in this here blog everyday. You know, you'd think that wouldn't be a hard feat for a writer, but I gotta tell you it is! I'm never quite sure what to talk about, I'm far from having a very interesting life, so it's usually going to end up a lot like this entry, just... whatever.

Sadly enough, I know I have written about my tea before on here, but it really is wonderful tea. I'm grossly bias toward coffee, but this tea...

-Love Marylin.

The Butterfly Effect

2009-02-02T17:53:00.004-05:00

It's amazing how strongly my body reacts to what I'm feeling - a wonderful warning system indeed but an added nuisance, especially when I'm unable to resolve the negative emotion quickly.

Not to mention how fun this is when you're me and your emotions run a muck inside you, like crazed-mutant butterflies trapped and flinging themselves against me in a mad attempt to escape, unregulated, overwhelming, and inappropriate at times.

It's not that these weird butterflies are evil - it's just that they need structure, they need to check in with the wisdom that is my reasonable mind.

The more I love a person, the more crazy these butterflies become: they multiply, they grow fangs!

I'm learning to discipline them though, to let them come out of their cage only if they promise to play nice.

-Love Marylin.

Happy Vulva Month

2009-02-01T18:50:00.004-05:00

February is officially the month of vulva love - a month long celebration of the awesomeness that is the female genitalia.

The woman responsible for this craziness, Ms. Suzi Blu, is prompting ladies far and wide to talk about their own feelings about their vulva and challenging us to get out that hand mirror and take a look down there (as most women go their whole lives without ever seeing their own vagina).

And February, being the "month of love", is usually all about valentine's day and romance and bitterness for those without a significant other. Which I believe is a bit stupid, if people want to celebrate love and be romantic, they can really do that anytime of the year. Oh well, Valentine's day makes a lot of moola - maybe I'm just bitter because I want a boy to send me flowers... or not.

Here it is... the heart... <3

Love it.

Vulvalicious.

Do you ever look at your vulva???

My first gander at the pink, my first really truly good look, I'd say was about three or four years ago. Curiosity finally got the better of me... and why not? Isn't it weird to have a body part all your life and not even know what it looks like?

As I maneuvered the mirror in order to get the best view, I have to admit, I was a bit freaked out - a bit traumatized you might say.

I looked and looked for I don't know how long, feeling that I was looking at the ugliest pussy in the world. I guess you could say the experience wasn't the best.

But I tell you I've looked again, and again a few more times since then and every time I do, I begin to get more and more proud of what I'm seeing... what I used to think was scary, weird, and ugly, is now pretty frikken beautiful if you ask me.

I have a hot pussy! Well, at least that's what I think lol.

And I can see how seeing one's own vulva for the first time might be a traumatizing experience: imagine looking in the mirror and seeing something on your body that you've never seen before... it's a bit of a shocker.

I realize how sheltered the vulva is in society and in our private lives: a lot of times the word 'vagina' is censored by the media while the word 'penis' is usually acceptable. People feel weird saying the word, it is so foreign. Most parents don't talk much to their children about it... it is a thing of function, not beauty and there must be a reason God made it an innie and not an outtie like the penis.

Well I'm sorry to say but just because it is hidden, doesn't mean it's not there. Ha!

***
"See, when you're a chick (and I am), there's a morbid curiousity that happens at some point where you realize that you've never really seen your own vagina. It's not like a cock where you can just look down, think "neat" and go on with your day..." (http://www.sunnycrittenden.com/wp/2009/02/01/vulvacious/)

***

I will admit, I don't like the word vagina. I think it's an ugly word. I think the vagina is beautiful, but I do not think the word is beautiful. I prefer saying pussy, as it sounds cute and lovable like a pussy cat and is much more sexy sounding than vagina.

Vulva is a good word. Vulva. Vavavava vulva.

So listen, vulva gives life... vulva gives pleasure... vulva should be worshiped! lol

Well, I guess that's what February is for now.

-Love Marylin.

Bored Is The New Busy

2009-01-26T18:22:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting here surrounded by candlelight, the girl who claims there are never enough hours in the day, and I'm bored to tears... bored. I don't know why. I have a million things I could be doing but for some reason I don't feel like doing any of them - I am bored. I am.

My head is all over the place today, maybe that has something to do with it - should meditate or something but, I'm too bored.

It was a freezing day, a hot earl gray vanilla tea day, a snuggle under the covers with George and read more 'Water For Elephants' day... and a day to light candles in hopes that will help warm the place up a bit more.

Hmmm, it's the winter thing: I hate winter! The moment I step outside, the cold creeps into my skin and burrows its way into my muscle and bone and I turn to stone. I can't move. I'm in pain! I'm miserable and to top it off, I can't breathe.

So I end up hibernating mostly, which I've come to somewhat enjoy, but god-damn it I want to go out! I want to take a walk... somewhere, anywhere, because I'm bored. And I find myself wishing for summer again and I don't want to do that - I don't want to always be waiting for something to make things better, but for god's sake, the season eats up at least half the damn year and as much as I love to live here, I'm so tempted to pack up and move to California or somewhere nice and sunny all the time.

A proper winter coat would likely help, though.

I'm having a love/hate relationship with Facebook these days. It's a great rolodex and has some great networking capabilities, but it IS like high school and even if I'm not the one participating in the retarded-ness, I am still somewhat effected... there are things I just don't need to see or be reminded of and facebook has a funny way of making that happen. Stupid facebook. Oh well, thicker skin.

P.S. Mark Ryden is good shit...

-Love Marylin.

2009? Ok, Now

2009-01-11T22:10:00.003-05:00

There's a zillion things that I've been 'trying' to accomplish in my life, the same zillion things every single year for as far as I can remember. That's pathetic. At least I've noticed though.

Time to live life for myself, time to take action, time to take back control. I'm optimistic. I look at it not as something I'm going to try to do, but as something that's gotta be done and I'm doing it, period.

I get overwhelmed very easily, so this should be interesting...

-Love Marylin.

This Is A Job, People

2008-11-24T16:04:00.003-05:00

If you were trying to get a new job, would you misspell the name of the person who'd be doing the hiring on your cover letter?

Would you make sure that you address that letter to the right person, and not accidentally mix your letter for that company up with the letter meant for another company?

Would you, upon being denied the job, give the manager attitude, sarcasm, or rudeness?

Well this is some of the wonderful stuff I've been dealing with as of late. I think writers, more so the green variety, tend to forget that submitting their work to a publication is no different than applying for a job. A temporary job, most likely, but a job nonetheless.

Misspelling the editor's name shows that you don't pay attention to detail. It shows you didn't care enough to spell his/her name correctly. It shows laziness and disrespect. Editors are busy people who are endlessly receiving submissions: it is unlikely that an editor will choose your submission over those writers who actually cared enough to spell his/her name right.

Even worse, I recently received a submission addressed to someone whom I've never even heard of, let alone has affiliation with my publication. I didn't bother reading the contents after I saw that, it immediately went into the trash. If you don't have time to find out who you're sending something to, than I certainly don't have time to read your work.

Okay, so the editor has read your work and has decided, for one reason or another, that it's not what they're looking for... DO NOT ARGUE WITH THEM!

Do you think that arguing or giving attitude will further your career in the least? The only thing you can expect with that kind of professionalism is a lot more rejection letters.

Even if you never have anything to do with that particular publication again, you can be sure that your behavior will come back to haunt you. We don't live in a vacuum - word spreads and you could find yourself being avoided by those people you most want to reach to further your career.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, an editor doesn’t have the time to go through and fix a piece that is riddled with errors. A few errors are forgivable, but other than that, it usually isn’t worth the editor’s time to bother. It shows you didn’t care enough to do your own editing and proofreading. If you don’t care, why should we?

But if an editor actually took the time to read your work and has let you know what you need to do to make the piece work, count yourself lucky and get right on it!

I'm writing this because I needed to rant. Most importantly, I'm writing this as a helpful hint to my fellow wordsmiths.

Of course, ignore this completely if you don’t want a successful writing career ;)

*Sigh

-Love Marylin.

Be The Change

2008-11-21T13:29:00.008-05:00

The world is going to hell in a hand-bag. This isn’t a new development; this has been going on right under our noses for a very long time.

Do you ever feel like our collective way of life doesn’t quite work? Ever feel trapped in an inescapable cycle of following the unquestioned rules of society? Have you ever stopped to think whether or not you had a choice in any of this or pondered the reasons why things are the way they are? Have you ever asked any questions?

Perhaps you have asked questions, but were quickly shamed into dismissing them because you don’t want to be unpatriotic, ungrateful, unconventional, or even a little nuts.

Congratulations, you’ve succeeded in giving the powers that be exactly what they want.

If you’ve managed to get through the thick fog of distraction laid before you (it’s there for a reason) and had an inkling of being deceived somehow, there’s always the guilt or fear cards at hand to help shut you up.

And if you don’t buy it? If you don’t fall into that trap (or rather realize you’re being controlled)? Then what?

Shit or get off the pot.

If you’re enlightened enough to know the truth, than you have a responsibility to yourself and to the majority who have inadvertently become zombies (the comparison is not far-fetched) to speak that truth. What good does truth do if you don’t spread it? Sitting on your ass certainly doesn’t do a thing to combat the deceit. At the very least, help other’s wake-up from their comfortable nightmares.

Don’t let them turn you into another one of their puppets.

Question everything. Be informed. Be on guard.

That said, I want to share a message from Andrew J Moulden MD, PhD, new leader of the Canadian Action Party:

November 20, 2008

“Dear CAP Members and Contacts;”

“Please accept this email as my first official correspondence as the new leader of the Canadian Action Party.”

“To those that have cast their faith and vote behind my name, I graciously thank-you for your individual and collective endorsement. For those who proffered another leader, I graciously respect your decision and sincerely request your continued support for CAP. I sincerely hope to earn your trust and Faith with time. ”

“As CAP leader, you have entrusted me to carry your Message forward as we build, solidify, and expound CAP policy, member recruitment, retention, and support. Please note that I am firmly entrenched in the portfolio of ‘for, by, and of the people’. ”

“These are trying times for our Nation and the Globe. As many of you are keenly aware, the very fabric and life-force of our Nation, on multiple spheres, is under direct, subversive, intentional, attack." In many respects, our elected officials remain complicit with the varied forces that seek to control many Nation's in contemporary society under a singular "world order." These lofty goals are neither new nor unique to the 21st century. ”

“The same international "groups" have been manipulating international affairs towards their own skewed views of security and prosperity for the few, at the expense of the security and prosperity for the many, for many centuries. ”

“The greater good has become an empty euphemism. ”

“The principle of "do more good than harm" has been lost in corporate board rooms. ”

“The notion of helping one's fellow man become better has been replaced with ‘how can I become better than my fellow man’. ”

“The ideals of "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" has become ‘do unto others what you will, as long as you come out ahead.’ ”

“As a Nation and a species, we have lost Faith; we have lost Hope; we have lost each other; Without Faith, without Hope, without each other, we remain lost. ”

“The Canadian Action Party is Hope, is Faith, and can become "one another." CAP truly is the only Canadian ship at sea that is positioned to chart a course and rescue line to a Country that is sinking fast by multi-national forces that are luring us into treacherous waters by design and by deceit. ”

“The subjugation of our Sovereignty cuts across every fabric of Canadian life as we know and define it. Some are fearful. Many are oblivious. Some are enlightened. Some do not care. Those who speak up are called conspiracy theorists and radical. Those who remain silent are patronized unknowingly. ”

“As a rational human being I attempt to follow science and reason to truth based on observation and fact finding. With sincerity I attempt to refute any evidence that falls before my observation and minds-eye. ”

“With certainty, I can definitively state, we are not being told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth across multiple areas of contemporary society and current world events.”

“This is not conspiracy or paranoia. This is capitalism. This is ownership of media by the hands of the few. This is mass propaganda. This is selling a story so that we give up our common sense and right to self-determination to support a course of action that has been painted for us so that latent goals of others are achieved by our own "free will.". This is commercialism. This is manipulation. This is mass marketing. This is fear-mongering. This is control of the infrastructure and political heads of State. ”

“This is a small, multi-national, self-appointed, elitist group that shapes the fabric of global affairs in ways most do not appreciate. This group can be defeated. ”

“The international forces that seek to consume Nation states represent the hub of a wheel from which many spokes emerge. As leader of the CAP party I recognize that the central wheel hub is greater than the sum of the parts. To lay claim to the "hub" of this wheel, it matters not which radial spoke we latch onto. It matters that we grab hold and follow at least one of these spokes to the central hub before it is too late. ”

“One cannot advance forward unless a "beach-head" is established on the terrain one seeks to emancipate. There are certain "spokes" in this Globalization wheel that I am well positioned to lead us towards. Others are better qualified to follow other spokes inward to the same destination. ”

“It matters not how we get to the central hub of Globalization, or for that matter, on what specific issue we trace, as there are many. It matters that we arrive in the middle, "set up a perimeter", and march forward from within to claim that which we are soon to be without - our Sovreign state in care, control, and ownership. ”

“There are means and methods to cause this oppressive "wheel" to implode once we breach the central hub. In some respects, this is like landing a force on the beaches of Normandy. CAP is the first wave. CAP is the only Canadian political ship afloat pointing in the right direction. We need all the support we can muster to land this CAP ship firmly on target. Once we land, I assure, reinforcements will come. ”

“As we move forward together during the CAP leadership transition, I wish to assure all that CAP remains an effective vehicle, and perhaps the only vehicle, that is committed to re-claiming our Country and defending our way of life through truth, reconciliation, and courageous resistance to the trans-national corporate occupation of Canada by a Globalization, financial, and trade-fiat stealth.”

“Our current affairs are cogently summarized by the founding father of CAP, Mr. Paul Hellyer:

"The new world order without borders will be like a zoo without cages. Only the most powerful of the species will survive. Canada will not be one of them."

“As your duly elected leader, with servitude, conviction, humility, steadfast determination, and National Pride, I have no intent, whatsoever, of standing idle in fear or subjugation as the future of our Nation is bought and sold behind closed doors. Through deceit, misinformation, or mis-guided good will, It matters not whether these forces are intentional, malicious, self-serving, or part of an elitist or corporate plan. It matters that we are aware that these forces are at work. It matters that we unite as a Nation to defend our Canadian way of life. It matters to the globe that a G-20 Nation shows the World that democracy and unified citizenry is more powerful than the forces that seek to enslave us.”

“The forces that challenge Canada are challenging other sovereign states. We are all challenged, as individuals, to stand up, stand guard, stand united, and stand-off. Canada can be saved. Canada can stand United. Canada can become a beacon of hope, for ourselves, and for the world at large. ”

“We are Canadian. Our Country needs us. The future depends on us. We are an Action Party. It is time for Action. Silence and surrender is not an option. No one is going to rescue us. We must fend for ourselves as our forefathers before us to defend our Country and way of life.”

“Please consider this short introductory note as my collective call for Canadian Action to "Save Canada" from the "free trading" one world government forces that are usurping the economic, social, political, environmental, health, wellness, education, ownership, and Sovereign status of our Nation.”

“We are a country of 30 million souls. We are in a cage match for the survival of our Nationhood. Our way of way of life, right to self-rule and National identity is threatened. Groups that have no claim to our Nation by blood, birth, immigration, sweat, equity, accountability or transparency have us in their cross-hairs. We are being bought, sold, and traded in free markets that we are told are for our own security and prosperity. This is not true. ”

“The security and prosperity is for those that are capitalizing on our Nation's wealth, vast resources, good-will, and exploiting the monetary systems we have willingly surrendered to private control for the past 34 years. Government has remained impervious to re-claiming control of our Nation's currency. This inaction has taken our National Debt from 18 to 588 billion dollars in three decades. Each of us work three months, per year, to pay compound interest, for the use of our own money when our Government's can borrow from our own Bank of Canada and simply pay our Nation this interest rather than the private banking cartel. Whether we accept it or not, we are enslaved. Remarkably, we have freely chosen to remain enslaved. CAP is the only Canadian vehicle, with a platform, to free us all. ”

“With vigilance, perseverance, commitment, and your personal and fiscal support, I am confident, on multiple levels that we have arrived at a turning point in history. A paradigm-shift is in the works. CAP, remarkably, is well positioned to be the "David" in this Goliathan battle to re-direct the reigns of this paradigm shift to the hands of the Canadian people and the children of Canada for all tomorrows. ”

“As leader of CAP, and your voice by extension, I am confident we can re-claim what our fore-fathers have created: Canada is a country for, by, and of the people. We are the people. The future, and the global paradigm that emerges, can become the New World anything; however, rest assured, whatever title the Globalization forces adopt, as a party, and with your support, the future will never be anything less than: The New World Order plus Canada. This is where we start, as a Political Party, in our Journey to come, and in my election to leadership of CAP.

“Thank-you for your appointing me as your leader. ”

“In the months and years to come, we will show each other the weapons with which to fight back, how to use these weapons, and on whom to use them in order to end this attack on our Nationhood. As Sun Tzu says in The Art of War, ‘…one able to gain the victory by modifying his/her tactics in accordance with the enemy situation may be said to be divine.’ ”

“Our entire free-enterprise system and way of life is at stake. This is no game. They are playing for keeps. No one can just sit by and let this happen. Divine inspiration is within you all. We have a fleet to build and a Political Party well-suited to the task. ”

“CAP will become self-sufficient; of this I am most confident. Our CAP ship is at sea and in battle. Our logistical support remains intact. Our base remains formidable. Our National executive remains committed. Our political party has survived. You have placed me at the helm. All of you are the stars that guide our course. Our ship needs fuel. For now this means donations. Every red cent counts. Every membership renewal fortifies our resolve. Every pledge is a rivet that binds us as one. ”

“Please add to our fuel with anything you can contribute – be this volunteer time, resources, or the financial "fuel" that sustains us and places much needed wind in our sails. ”

“The maximum allowable donation per individual is now $1100.00 due to election Canada revisions and allowed adjustments. No corporate contributions are allowed from big or small business. Please consider donating the maximum allowable you per year and help us bring real democracy back to Canada. We are committed to helping Canadians realize their goal; we need Canadians to maximize our ability to achieve it. ”

“Revenue Canada allows up to a 75% tax credit on your Personal Income Tax Return, for donations to a Canadian political party. So for example, a donation of $50 would actually cost you only $12.50; $100 costs $25. Every donation, of any size, is a vote of confidence to achieve our collective goals for our Nation. ”

“CAP is your ship. I dawn the captain's "CAP" as per your National leadership majority vote on Nov. 8th, 2008. We will set sail together and build a vociferous and poignant National Fleet. With your immediate support, with anything you can provide, we will make this ship battle ready and we will set sail together to re-claim all our Country is destined to be. ”

“We are determined to retain Braja as our administrative anchor. We require your donations to secure this one critical piece as we transition our party to the victories and battlefields that beckon our collective voice and action. ”

“As a sextant for one "beach-head" on the horizon, I welcome sharing this small piece of an email I received by one of my international medical colleagues two days ago:

‘Andrew, in terms of the interventions you have and case studies of recovery. I have considered approaching the drug companies and explaining this work. They are fighting lawsuits and settlements every day. As you surmised and experienced they are not receptive.

Andrew, we are setting out to change the face of the world. This concept you now have in medical discovery and biophysics is the grand unified theory and this is the Holy Grail in Medicine. No one wants to know that all the time and effort and money they spent to learn medicine was wrong.

I am sure you have heard of the hundredth monkey syndrome. What isn't known is that on each island there were some monkeys who never did start washing their food. They were the old bull monkeys. Once you have reached a critical mass of awareness, the tides of change will occur.

Focus on the awareness. This is key to success, in all spheres, least of which is the medical solutions you now have. A paradigm shift will come. Be patient. Be humble. Be succinct. Be exact. Be truthful. Be careful not to tell them too much else you will be taken advantage of. This is a fine line. Divulge enough to engage help but do not reveal all. You now have keys to effect changes needed for the betterment of all.’
FH

“We are already in battle for the gateways to come in monetary reform, health, wealth, spirituality, truth, accountability, transparency, environmental protection, and Sovereign control of Canada, for ourselves, our children, the future, and the Globe.Please take this moment to re-new your CAP membership and support us with anything and everything that you can. ”

“I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: It remains self-evident that all peoples are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creator_deity) with certain unalienable Rights (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inalienable_rights), that among these are Life, Liberty, and the security of the person. ”

“The Canadian Charter of rights and fredoms is founded upon principles that recognize the supremacy of God and the rule of law: (http://laws.justice.gc.ca/en/charter/). ”

“We have the right of enjoying and defending our lives, sovereignty, liberties, and pleasures; We are entitled to freedom from oppression; freedom from usury; freedom from discrimination; freedom from deceit; freedom of acquiring, possessing, and protecting our property; freedom to stand up for our citizenry whether they recognize the need for protection and whether they appreciate our actions and are designed to protect them from forces they do not see.”

“CAP is a party that seeks to obtain our safety, security, happiness, and prosperity for one and for all. CAP is a party by the people, of the people, for the people.”

“We are the Canadian people, in name, spirit, integrity, multi-culturalism, ethnicity, heritage, dreams, duty, honour, and the First nations people whose land we have turned into our collective home. Our Country, and our legacy, by National anthem and by decree, is destined to be and remain True, North, Strong, and Free.”

“This Country, in true patriot love, is our land, in ownership and control. The entire Nation, including the printing and issuance our own currency, belongs to the people of Canada, and none other. The right to self govern, control our rich resources, borrow money from ourselves, belongs to Canadian's and not corporate elite intent on turning our Parliament buildings into a personal board room or 5 star hotel. ”

“We have the right to demand truth and reconciliation on questionable world affairs that commit our military forces to oversea's duties. We have the right to demand investigation of world affairs that are relied upon to ultimately rob of us of entrenched charter of rights and feedoms under the guise of "security, prosperity, multi-national agreements, and trade laws." We have the right to refuse to be drugged or vaccinated against our will. We have the right to decide how we wish to direct our own health care freedom's of choice and access. ”

“Canada is a Nation that the world respects. We must respect the world in return and recognize that what makes us strong and free also makes us vulnerable to multi-national forces that wish to possess and control our Nation from behind unseen curtains. These puppeteer hands achieve goals that usurp power from our democracy, elected leaders, bureaucrats, and key areas of industry that are not always in the best interests of Canada or other Countries. There is much truth that is in plain sight yet invisible to many eyes. There is hope and a way out of the trajectory our Nation is charting towards World Government and a North American Union. ”

“The time for truth and reconciliation is fast approaching. The Nation is soon to appreciate they have been manipulated, in profound ways, and that we have placed our trust blindly into hands that do not have our best interests at heart. When this day arrives, CAP will be well poistioned to bring many that have been floundering at sea on board. This "day" has begun. ”

“I sincerely and graciously accept the CAP party collective vote and your Faith in my assuming leadership of the Canadian Action Party. I will not falter in this responsibility. We intend on re-claiming our home and Native land. ”

“Failure is foreign to my will. We will triumph as individuals, as a political voice and force as we chart a radial course back to our intended destiny as a strong, free, and sovreign Nation. We were destined to become a beacon of light to the world. The time for penetrating darkness with light is now. CAP is your lighthouse. The time for Canadian Action is now. ”

“Please stay tuned for truisms, plans, and CAP actions to come.”

“Please support us in any way you can as we transition our CAP party to new docks and a rejuvenated birth as per your will and shining stars of hope, heed, help, and Faith in one another.”

“Please share this message widely and freely. We welcome new members to the CAP family. We can be found at: www.CanadianActionParty.ca

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

Sincerely,

Andrew J Moulden MD, PhD
CAP Leader - 2008
email: CAPMoulden@gmail.com

-Love Marylin

An Angel Came Into My Life

2008-10-12T15:02:00.001-04:00

Unpoetry Unbecoming Unlady-Like Undone

2008-09-23T23:24:00.002-04:00

I'd rather die than
to never have known you. I'd
rather die
than
to live life without you. I'd rather
die
than to watch you
destroy me
I'd rather die than to hear another
stupid lie

I don't want to
die but
I'm drowning
and you're holding on
so tight
to the life preserver watching as I go under
I go under
and come up for air only enough to keep me
suffering, going under
You hold me
under
and hold me up
to the surface
only enough to keep me keep me keep me
from leaving you with
everything
else
but
me.
Everything
fleeting
everything wonderful that will always
go wrong.

But I don't know how long I can hold
onto water
I don't know how strong I am or how long
before I sink down
forever...
I can't hold onto
water
I can't
BREATH
without you
I can't hold onto
nothing
while you hold onto me by a promise
of holding my head above
water
while the rest of me
drowns
and you look to
dry land
where no one is drowning where no one has
cried
for you...

When the water gets too
deep
for you
you seek the shore
I'm still
drowning and
you've found something easier

I still...
wait. Drowning in the deep you've
left me in hoping
you'll realize
you could have saved us both,
not just yourself.

-Love Marylin

Show, Don't Tell

2008-09-04T16:30:00.004-04:00

Painting by Navonod 2008, oil and ink.
My latest gift from Don, now hanging on my wall.

-Love Marylin.

Hum Drum Dee Dum

2008-07-29T22:24:00.004-04:00

I cut ma brotherrr in haaaaalf....

Well no, I only cut my thumb slicing into a bagel earlier today... not quite as bad, but....

What is the meaning of life, according to the gospel of Marylin: Love.

No, not being in love and all that stuff, I mean love in general: doing things you love, being with people you love, surrounding yourself with love, in whatever forms it comes.

May seem a bit idealistic to you, that's because it is. That's because although it is a simple concept, it seems utterly impossible - something always goes wrong in this crazy material world.

I'm not complaining, I'm a lucky girl, I have (according to me) a pretty good life. I'm happy for the most part, very lucky: I have a great shelter over my head with no stupid roommates, I have my sweet big daddy Georgey poo, I have some family, I have a few wonderful friends, I have more leisure time than most anyone could wish for, I've got ambition, talent, yadda yadda yadda yadda, you get the point, I'm grateful.

But I will quote from one of my own verses: 'I've seen heaven's angel face - when I came down, I was so cold - the difference was too much to take, the difference between hell and grace.'

Yeah, if you know what that means, than you know, you know.

There are certain types of love that just are. They didn't really grow and they can't really fade. It's like the love for a child, the love for a parent, the love for a friend, the love for a lover, the love for who a person is and all the comes with them, all wrapped up into one formless mess of love.

*sigh*

I don't really have a point (or perhaps I do but am holding onto it), just writing some thoughts is all.

I guess I do 'break just like a little girl'

Just remember, now is all we ever have.

On that note, I'll try to stop being so cryptic and dramatic for a bit here.

I'm pumping myself up for a big hair cut! I've always been timid about changing/cutting my hair but it's just GOT to happen. So I'm going for it and getting bangs, something I haven't had since I was eight years old - yep I got my hair cut from my butt to my shoulders and got bangs just before my first communion, oh I was a holy child! I wish I had a scanner so I could show you a pic! lol, me in my lovely white communion dress, hands held together is a pose of prayer... hahahahahaha! Oh my.

But anyway, so that's what's gonna happen to my head in the next week or two - I'll be sure to post the before and after.

I'm also on the hunt for shoes! I need to get shoes for my friend's wedding at the end of August. I love to shop, but I HATE shoppers. When I'm around people who are shopping, I want to commit violent acts and I normally wouldn't hurt a fly lol. Seriously, most people in a store are so rude, self-centered, pushy, etc. they are greedy with the need to shop shop shop, accumulate accumulate, spend spend spend! That's gross... just lemme browse at my leisure and get the fwuck out of my way you pre-fab morons!

Aaaaannyway... mmhmmm lol.

Yeah so I get to dress up real nice for my friend's wedding, which I never get to do so I'm excited about that. Not to mention excited about seeing my dear friend get married to a great guy :)

I'd personally prefer to go barefoot, but for her sake (and maybe for Don's sake too) I'll get some shoes :P I'm a good girl :)

Goin to a lan party this Saturday... my first lan party! Woohoo! Awww yeeeaaah. If you don't know what a lan party is, I'll leave you frustrated with curiousity for the time being... :P

Okay enough, this post is done.

-Love Marylin.

Oh Lord Won't You Buy Me....

2008-07-18T09:43:00.004-04:00

Soy yogurt kicks dairy yogurt's ass! Seriously it's so yummy.

Anyway, I need a pantry/cabinet type thing! I've been looking for one for a while with no luck. I've tried people I know, Kijiji, and Freecycle. I neeeeeed one people!

Something like this or similar:

Today's the full moon - good stuff.

I can't stand looking in my coffee cup to find it empty... it's such a disappointing thing.

Hmm I think I'd like to rant a bit...

My momentary topic of choice is a popular one for me: the health system! DUN DUN!

To make a very very long story short, I have (another) useless doctor who is being replaced. I'm very excited about this because there's always the chance this new guy will be decent and I can actually have a HEALER rather than a business person treat my health.

My last appointment with the useless doctor was around two months ago and she said we should have received a letter in the mail regarding her replacement. I still haven't gotten any letter and they were late two months ago. I obviously don't expect to receive one. How very professional. I called the doc's office about a month ago to see if I could schedule an appointment with the replacement doctor (since the current doctor would be gone) and they said no I couldn't. So I'm basically without a doctor (quite a familiar feeling actually).

Luckily, I don't get "sick" and am not dieing or anything, but I am disabled (fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis) which means I should be looked after on a regular basis to see how things are progressing, if I'm in too much pain, etc etc.

I've never had that. And to top it off, disability doesn't really care if I do, as long as I HAVE a doctor.

I just wanna be treated! By a professional! It's all well and good if I can treat myself (I'm not a medication fan) but I am not a certified doctor! lol There are things I don't know about that a doctor does (should) and I think I'm entitled as a Canadian citizen to have that, no?

I would really really like to see a Naturopath... they seem to be true healers as they treat the WHOLE person and not just try to band aid over the symptoms. But even though they have as much, if not more, education than an MD, the government refuses to cover the expenses of seeing a Naturopath. Oh my, those Naturopaths won't use our lovely chemical-licious drugs, they won't make us any money, screw them and all the people who would benefit from their healing.

May I remind people that the original medicine comes from the earth? The earth provides us with EVERYTHING we need. The only reason you have your disgusting drugs is because you twisted the earth's medicine into something you thought was better.

Doctors used to be healers. Not anymore. The more patients they can squeeze in, the more moola they make. The more prescriptions they dole out, the more money they make. They don't get bonuses for healing though.

You have a pain in your side? Here take two of these a day.

The pain pills are making you nauseous? Here, take these pills as well.

You say the pain in your side hurts a little less but now you're losing feeling in your fingers?

Anyway, you get the point. And the point is that the very reason you had the pain in your side is totally ignored. Aches, pains, etc are your bodies super cool natural way of letting you know there is something wrong with it. It is asking to be healed, not bombarded with chemicals that create even worse problems.

*sigh*

Yes it's a mess.

I'll stop - unless you'd like to read a whole book on it :P

So when and if I ever get to see this replacement doctor, he had better be good because my options are running out.

I will spend the money on a Naturopath, but I shouldn't have to... I really can't afford it, but what are my choices? Seriously, tell me...

Alright, enough of this, I'll leave you with a little poem for your amusement.

Fate Of The Muse

At my lap you sit and stare
In my hands you leave your care
And I extend myself to you
So in my thoughts and all I do
For you to grow and heal and thrive
It is your muse, I have arrived.
And through my love you grow to be
The person you've been trying to be

In my bed you lie and stare
Amazed of lust that is so rare
But you have grown and now you see
You cannot give your love to me
It must be false, the love you feel
And mine cannot be very real
There must be more than what I've shown
A muse must forever be alone.

-Love Marylin.

Clam Songs

2008-07-13T10:12:00.004-04:00

So my friend has this chick on his messenger and her display picture is her gad damn clam! Her CLAAAAAM! Her cookie, her snatch, her special place, her pussy, her box, her hoho, her vessel of life!

What's that about? Seriously.

*Shakes head*

Anywho, all stupidity aside, I got the awesomest present from Don :) He made me one of those cool books where it's a book but there's a secret compartment inside where you can put shit that you wanna hide or whatnot.

I've always wanted one, and those are the BEST kinda gifts, ones with alot of thought and homemade!

Don rocks!

Sooo what else is new... I dunno... I made my very first pseudo video using Windows Movie Maker: just used some pics and text with an audio of me reading a poem from my book. It's pretty crappy but it was fun and I threw it on youtube to maybe sell a few more copies ;) But I'd like to experiment more with making videos because it's fun shit!

I'm reading a book called 'The Essence of Buddhism' that's been on my bookshelf for longer than I'd like to say. The Buddhism theme has been popping up like crazy in my life from so many sources that I finally decided I should learn some more about it. I also downloaded a documentary about Buddhism called 'How To Cook Your Life' that Brenda recommended - I'll be watching that shortly.

Jodie lent me a book called 'Skinny Bitch' that I devoured in one evening - an excellent read and so informative: I thought I knew alot about food but this book taught me much more. From what I've learned thus far, I should be a vegan lol. My compromise is slowly cutting out/replacing meat and dairy in my diet. Ultimately I will still consume these products, but ALOT less frequently than now. I'm basically eating little to no meat right now as it is, so that part won't be too difficult.

Hmmm I'm also reading 'Vein Of Gold' by Julia Cameron.

I did her 'Artists Way' book a few times in the past (and what a wonderful book by the way) and attempted 'Vein Of Gold' quite a while ago but ended up putting it down for a looong time. Well I'm back at it and it seems alright so far. We'll see if it's as good as TAW or not.

For those of you who don't know, Julia Cameron writes books that focus on unblocking creativity. The books are hands-on and from my experience, do wonders to kill that creative censor and get you doing what you should be doing.

Picking VOG back up was sparked not long ago by something quite bad that happened in my life - after deciding NOT to give up, for some strange and inexplicable reason, the main thing keeping me going and helping me has been doing art. I'm not a visual artist: I've always played with it and enjoyed doing it time and again, but it's not where my talent lies and so I've always kept it as a side hobby. Writing has always been my form of art, and still is, but now this need to make visual art has crept up and I honestly don't care to analyze it because it's one of the things keeping me going right now... just doing it, enjoying the process, not attempting to make masterpieces but just playing like a child would I suppose.

So there ya go, life is odd that way.

I suppose that's all for now.

-Love Marylin.

Never Ending Story

2008-07-01T11:05:00.013-04:00

I got a Van Gogh!!! Well, a print of one anyway. I've been wanting a nice large piece to put above my kitchen table ever since I moved in and my dear Donovan came through for me last night with a salvaged, excellent condition, ginormous print of 'Starry Night' - yay! I love when stuff like that happens :P

What else is new and interesting?

I got to hold a wee baby chick on Saturday! Sooooooo cute - I got pictures! They're in Don's camera though lol.

Being there (at Howard's gorgeous old home on a beautiful huge property) made me crave something similar for myself: even just a wee little home on a decent sized property - close to the city but secluded enough to feel like you're really in nature, apart from crazy society. To lounge outside among trees and grass and gardens; to be free and inspired to write and make art and just create create create... I dunno, it's rejuvenating and I love being close to nature. Yeah I've got some ideas :P

Also went to a couple of flea Markets on Saturday - so many (toooo many) awesome things to look at! It would be dangerous for me to go there if I had alot of money!

I didn't buy anything but I definitely had my eye on an old telephone:

Sort of like this one but much nicer and it was black. It was around $40, which I probly could have done but I thought I should wait till I can really truly afford to buy it (or one similar to it). I just think it's so cool! I don't want it for use, I just want it for decoration - it will go well with the antique type writer I plan on one day finding. Awww yeeaaaah!

Blah.

What else...

Ummm oh I'll show you the thingy I made for Don! He's the clumsiest feller I ever met - he accidentally broke one of my coffee mugs but I held onto the handle for some weird reason. This is what I did with it:

Oooooh 3D-craziness!

The quote says "Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature" - Salvador Dali

He claims to like it lol.

Ok I go now!

-Love Marylin.

Art-a-tart-tart Rant-a-tant-tant

2008-06-20T17:53:00.003-04:00

(Not really, I'm just a tad annoyed)

Ok my beef is to the people who fluff up the art & craft industry by manufacturing pieces with the main goal of making a buck. People who sit there pumping shit out while not even really enjoying the process (the whole point!) so that they'll have more STUFF to sell. Seeing someone else's idea and making a cheap version of it with thrown together stuff from the dollar store!

Sorry, it just annoys me. It annoys me because those people with talent and those people who derive such joy from doing their art/craft are lost in the crowd full of wanna-bes. And I don't claim to be any sort of artist or crafter but I am a great appreciator of those who are and what they come out with with their blood, sweat, and tears.

The world doesn't need more STUFF. But the world can never get enough of the art that comes from true passion and joy of the creative process.

Okay I think I'm done my ranting for the day. Thanks for listening.

Now I'd like to share the websites of a few artist/crafter friends who are very talented people:

Don Davie's site - http://www.navonod.net/
Nichola Battilana's site - http://www.labonadea.com/
Monika Ptok-Byard's site - http://www.faebylart.com/

There are more but here are just a few to appreciate.

-Love Marylin.

Just Some Awareness

2008-06-20T17:47:00.000-04:00

Jimminy Cricket!

2008-06-18T15:03:00.000-04:00

I saw a cricket in the apartment a little bit after Don showed up and I sort of freaked out: here's the background on my craziness:

I had a dream a few months ago that gave significance to the date June 18 (today). So, I've been patiently waiting since then to see what may or may not come to fruition because the dream gave no detail as to what the importance was.

Then I realized that it's also a full moon today, making it even more eerie! lol

So when I saw this black cricket on my floor, my mind immediately thought of the movie 'Practical Magic' and how the cricket represented the death of someone.

LOL I'm ok now :P So far nothing big has happened, but I did look up the cricket in my copy of 'Animal Wise' by Ted Andrews... the cricket now makes much more sense. ALOT more sense.

The cricket stimulates our intuition and the power of our beliefs. It is a fighting spirit, helping awaken that in us. It is a great sign of good luck. They herald an awakening of sensitivities and finding light within the dark. They are perceptive within the dark times and are able to use whatever light is available to them. They remind us to trust our own intuition. Our dreams will become more clairvoyant and we can truly rely on our dreamtime perceptions. They remind us to trust our own expressions of light, even if different from others. Now is the time to believe in and rely upon our long range perceptions and insights. We should trust in what we have always believed. The cricket's song is a song of good cheer, especially in relationships, a reminder to trust in our beliefs and perceptions about the other people in our life. Our believing is about to be rewarded and the song they are singing is of success and pleasures ahead. The cricket warns us to stay balanced and grounded when exploring or working with our intuition and psychic abilities.

So thank you to the cricket!

P.S.

"Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God"

Ruth 1:6-18

P.P.S. Happy Full Moon Everyone!!!

Suziblutube Rocks

2008-06-17T19:06:00.001-04:00

A Sunday

2008-06-15T18:10:00.004-04:00

What we can always count on in this life is nature, art -
and the steady joys and pains of the human heart.

-Love Marylin.

Jibber-Jabber

2008-05-30T22:48:00.003-04:00

Will watching the news really keep me up to date on what's going on in the world? No. I refuse to feel guilty about the fact that I don't because all I need to do is scan the headlines and I feel like I'm dealing with aliens...

Seriously, take a fucking peek for yourself and see what the world is focusing on as most important... do I seriously live among these creatures? Negative and sensationalized and I don't care.

*sigh*

Sorry, I don't know where that came from.

I made homemade burgers and fries with yummy mango milkshakes for dinner tonight - Don says it was yummy but maybe he's afraid I'll stab him with a fork if he says otherwise ;)

Definitely good times.

Had a mini Bob Dylan marathon earlier today - love that man.

Okay that crazy French Zig-Zag guy is talking to me and I think I'm just babbling for the sake of saying something and perhaps I should have filled this space with something more poetic than this jibber-jabber I call a blog.

Hey, hey Woody Guthrie, I wrote you a song
'Bout a funny ol' world that's a-comin' along.
Seems sick an' it's hungry, it's tired an' it's torn,
It looks like it's a-dyin' an' it's hardly been born.

-Love Marylin

Amélie

2008-05-29T22:35:00.005-04:00

So yeah, it's 10:35 in the PM and I just finished cleaning out my freezer. George is the only one here and he doesn't mind - there are some perks to living alone. Only one dude I could live with and well, I aint talkin' about Georgey-boy.

We're on the cusp of summer here in Canada, we can all come out of our igloos for a while now! I'm takin' off my parka!!! (Yes, that's right, we have deep freezers in our igloos up here, mhmm.. oh, and kitty cats too!)

Hey I'm gonna be an aunt soon! My niece, Ms. Amélie Houle (named from the 2001 film, Amélie, or Le Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain), will be coming onto the physical plane sometime in early October... a Libra, I believe, not too shabby. Poor kid, what was she thinking?

Here she is now...

... in the flesh, so to speak.

-Love Marylin.

To My Lover...

2008-05-22T17:03:00.000-04:00

(No Doubt - Underneath It All)

There's times where I want something more
Someone more like me
There's times when this dress rehearsal
Seems incomplete
But, you see the colors in me like no one else
And behind your dark glasses you're...
You're something else

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely

You know some real bad tricks
And you need some discipline
But, lately you've been trying real hard
And giving me your best
And, you give me the most gorgeous sleep
That I've ever had
And when it's really bad
I guess it's not that bad

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely

So many moons that we have seen
Stumbling back next to me
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
Better... better...

You've used up all your coupons
And all you've got left is me
And somehow I'm full of forgiveness
I guess it's meant to be

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lovely
Underneath it all
And you're really lovely

-Love Marylin.

Culture Jam

2008-05-21T00:24:00.003-04:00

Would someone please hand me the stickers...

-Love Marylin.

Are You Joking?

2008-05-19T23:50:00.005-04:00

Tell me if this gem from 'The Corporate Air Quality and Climate Change Strategic Plan' doesn't make you furrow your brow just a tad:

"The Corporate Air Quality and Climate Change Strategic Plan aims to achieve the VISION 2020 goals that are related to air quality and climate change:

• To ensure that the City of Hamilton has the best air quality of any major urban area in Ontario"...

What?

Are we not aiming just a tad high here? How'z a bout starting with a more attainable goal, such as, hmmm, I don't know, making it so that the air quality isn't so bad that the stench makes any person sick?

*sigh*

-Love Marylin.

My Delicious Chemical Ritual

2008-05-16T10:29:00.003-04:00

I have a healthy morning ritual that consists of coffee and cigarettes: this comes before food and cognitive thought.

It's a horribly unhealthy mixture but I love it.

I wake up all groggy and yucky, still three quarters of the way in dreamland, and I reach for the smokes, brew up some coffee (PC Dark right now) and let the beautiful nic-caffeine mixture do its work on me.

Mmmmm... It's disgustingly wonderful.

-Love Marylin.

Two Hours Later...

2008-05-13T23:51:00.002-04:00

-Love Marylin

When No One Was Looking

2008-05-12T23:09:00.001-04:00

Well I just had a good visit with my friend Brenda from elementary school: I don't get to see her too often because she lives in a different town and I don't drive, not to mention she's quite busy planning her upcoming wedding!

I don't have many close friends, but the few I do have are precious. I believe you don't need an army of friends in your life to feel loved, a few good ones are juuuuust fine.

I went to an information session today for psychiatry services at the local hospital - if you don't attend, they knock you off the waiting list and it takes FOREVER to get in.

I've been trying to get in for years, and something always happens, usually due to the stupidity of the system and all of that good stuff, but that's the story of my life - the system doesn't work, especially for Marylin lol.

Aaaanyway, it was informative and due to the lack of attendees, it looks like my remaining wait time won't be too horribly long anymore.

Good.

Get me some proper help so I can learn the tools I need in life to cope so I don't have to waste valuable resources and depend on yucky mind-numbing medications that only act as a band-aid.

The kicker is that at no point in my life have I needed this help LESS than I do right now. But I know that if I don't get it, I will just repeat old patterns and again the meds thing, no thanks.

I've blogged before, probably on many occasions about the health care system and its many flaws. I'll probably blog about it alot more in the future, lol.

Granted, we have it better than the United States, but the actual priorities of the system just make zero sense.

ODSP will pay for prescription medications but they won't pay the $5 cab fare for me to go to Aqua Aerobics, despite the fact that different doctors have told me that would be the most helpful thing for me.

They will pay for the "band-aid" remedies, but not the permanent solutions, who know why? They're just perpetuating the cycle, doing no one any good. Do you think I enjoy living off of people's taxes? They aren't doing much to help me get out that situation.

I have yet to find a decent doctor. My present doctor is basically like not having a doctor at all because she's rarely available.

I'm supposed to be seeing my doctor on a regular basis to monitor the health issues that cause me to even be on disability, but I'm certainly not and no one seems to care.

Because of the lack of good doctors around, I would really like to see a Naturopath - they treat the WHOLE person, no band-aids, thank you. But they are not covered, of course.

Heaven forbid that a simple, inexpensive herb might do a world of good for someone because it's not "real" medicine.

Disgusting.

No more ranting for today though, I'm in a good mood!

"Every pleasures got an edge of pain, pay for your ticket and don't complain."

- Bob Dylan

-Love Marylin.

I Cut Ma Brotherrr In Half

2008-05-11T11:13:00.006-04:00

Hmmm so I finally started this new blog that I've been sitting on for like a year, so go check it out: The Thrifty Witch. I believe that's blog #4 that I write on.... no I don't have an obsession...

Actually, there is going to be another new one sometime in the future, all about books baby!

So what else is new...

I'm losing weight. Doing it the slow, healthy way so it stays off for good. I don't want to get skinny though, I'd rather still have a little meat on the bones, the way women were meant to be thank you.

The only part I have trouble with is the exercise because it really hurts! LOL I know you're saying "duh, of course it hurts!" but I have to contend with the pain of Osteoarthritis and Fibromyalgia which means it doesn't get much easier as I go along, it all depends on what my body wants to throw at me any particular day.

I'm trying to find out if ODSP will cover my transportation to the YWCA so I can go swimming, but with the way they work (under the government) I'm sure it will be quite the battle.

Anyway, while we're on the subject of weight loss, I might as well rant about the whole diet thing:

Diets don't work!

When someone goes on a diet, they are usually depriving themselves of a certain food group, taking some sort of pill, or doing some other thing that isn't good for the health.

If the said diet actually works and the weight comes off (that is, if their body hasn't had enough and they don't end up binging, thus repeating the whole diet-roller coaster that reeks havoc on the body) the person usually goes back to eating the way they did before and they will gain even more weight back because the body will want to store more fat since it's felt like it has been starved during the diet period.

It's a vicious cycle and it is abusive to the body.

The only thing that is going to work and be permanent is changing the way you eat FOREVER. That sounds scary, so the key to doing that is by NOT depriving yourself, because if you do, it just won't work.

The simple fact is if you want to lose weight, you have to use more energy than you take in. You simply cannot eat too much! Sounds simple so why do most people fail?

Because they're dieting! lol

The only weight loss plans I've ever heard of actually working working are calorie counting, and weight watchers - they are basically the same exact thing except with weight watchers you use points which I find makes counting a hell of a lot simpler and thus easier to do.

The reason you need to count the calories is so you can make sure you are not taking in too many, and so that you can learn more about the foods you're eating and know that in fact a bagel counts as two servings and a seemingly innocent bran muffin packs a ton of calories (and I'm talking sometimes around 500 or more!).

Keep counting and you will eventually begin to memorize a whole lot of it, making it easier to continue eating properly.

But remember, you cannot deprive yourself! That's just asking for disaster. The key is moderation and common sense.

You have to eat healthy. Make it more interesting and more beneficial by getting many different kinds of produce so you don't end up getting sick of anything - makes it more fun too.

Hell I'm doing it and I hardly ever eat salad, imagine that lol.

People eat too much. Once you start eating less, you'll probably wonder how you could have eaten as much as you did before you started.

Don't be an idiot! Know yourself. What are your weaknesses? I can't keep certain foods in the house because I just KNOW I will binge on them, so I just eat those foods outside the home, in moderation.

Pop is a culprit. Regular pop is loaded with sugar, which is very fattening, and diet pop is loaded with sodium and aspartame, which will bloat you and do all kinds of horrible things to your body. I refuse to keep it in my house so if I want some I have to go buy a can at the store and I won't drink diet so I really have to think about whether I want to waste those points/calories on a can of pop.

But if you don't eat things you like, you will regret it. You will eventually give in and probably binge because you've been deprived for so long. So the ticket is to eat what you like, but not all the time and in moderation.

I'm doing it right now and I don't feel AT ALL like I'm dieting. And I'm losing weight. Since I know it will take a very long time to lose all the weight I want to lose, I know what I'm doing is right because I feel confident that I'll have no problem eating this way for the rest of my life. It's just more satisfying over-all because when you eat right, you feel so much better and hardly ever crave bad foods.

I could go on about this subject forever so I'll just add a few more things:

You HAVE to eat regularly. This has been a huge problem for me in the past (and still sometimes now). But the fact is, it screws up your metabolism if you don't eat every few hours. If you don't eat regularly, you will not lose weight, plain and simple.

You cannot weigh yourself too often! This will just screw with your mind and make you obsessed with the numbers because the body fluctuates in weight all the time. I'd say once a week is your best bet.

Water is so important. We're made up of mostly water and the body functions at its best when we are drinking enough of it. Water helps you lose weight, it cleanses the systems, helps flush things out, and makes the body perform it's functions better.

Don't get depressed if you have a week of not losing any weight, or even gaining a bit of weight: it doesn't necessarily mean you're doing anything wrong so just keep at it and you'll probably see results next time. If the pattern keeps repeating though, you have to look closer at what you're doing and possibly make some changes.

Anyways, I'm sure that's enough ranting for now lol.

I'll close with an accomplishment =) I make these disgustingly delicious brownies that Don is in love with. They're just too good not to eat lol. So I made him a batch yesterday and whilst I was baking, I counted up how many points they were so that I could safely enjoy one for myself and know how much I was putting in my body.

This is what I'm talking about with being smart and moderation. This way you are fully satisfied and don't have to explain to everyone why you cannot eat dessert lol.

Alright, enough.

Happy mother's day to all the good ones out there, and especially my own mum who is the bestest and would give her arm and leg up for her children - I love you!!!

-Love Marylin.

My Half Japanese Bastard Child

2008-05-05T23:57:00.003-04:00

Out with the old, in with the new.

Not since before I moved into my former house (March 2007) have I felt motivated and able to "get shit done."

I've just finished an intensive spring cleaning and my life is on a better, clearer path.

I finished the spring cleaning in time for today's new moon, so I topped it off with a releasing of old crap in my life, a cleansing of my home, and then a burning of healing incense.

Exhale.

Life is good. We are all on our paths and I feel good knowing I'm actually ON my path as opposed to the bulk of society who've strayed seemingly permanently - looks like zombie town. Feels odd being lucid around the foggy and lost.

Some goals I'm working on: My health.

Not until now have I had the inner strength to take hold on my health problems and REALLY do something about them. Because doctors are no longer really doctors and I have some permanent disabilities, it is difficult, but the goal is to not have to depend on those "doctors." It will take a while but it can be done.

On that note, no longer needing the one medication I'm on is also going to happen - and the sooner the better because it makes me foggier, less alert, and dumber than I naturally am and that won't due.

These are not pipe dreams, I have plans of action! :P

Career wise, I have a few fear hurtles to get over that are slowly being tested. I need to work through those.

My spirituality has settled into a better, more evolved place. It is very intuitively focused, nature focused, healing of myself, others, and the earth focused.

I seem to have evolved out of the need for specific deities or archetypes of spirit and am perfectly comfortable with the basic energy spirit aspects.

Some people need to rely on gods and goddesses, which is great and I'm still very into that, but they can become a clutch for many, which isn't healthy.

I've very much adapted what is referred to as 'living simply.' I'll post more about that soon, but it is really fulfilling, really helpful to the environment, and very easy on the wallet.

Anyway, I must end this entry on an adorable not, with a pic I just took of my cat George, mid-mew:

-Love Marylin.

You're Standing On My Neck

2008-05-02T14:50:00.004-04:00

The 4/20 Hamilton Hempfest... sucked; at least I celebrated.

This event was an embarrassing representation of the pot smoking society. Bad music, bad atmosphere.

The merchandise was over-priced paraphernalia from the local merchant (I honestly expected some good quality hemp product amongst other things).

I'm just hoping no one of influence saw what I saw. I got a wee glimpse of the youth of today and I would never share a joint with any of them.

Too bad. Very disappointing, and so much for the hoped for gonzo experience.

-Love Marylin.

I See The Sun!

2008-04-20T12:39:00.004-04:00

Spring is finally here, and lo and behold, I'm alive again.

My SAD wasn't nearly as bad as usual this winter though, and I account that to the fact that I changed my living situation, cut out people who were not really my friends at all, and had the support of my best friend, who is my rock for better or worse.

If I stay on this track, I expect each year to get better and better. It's a hard road but it's my road.

I'm feeling pretty darn good all in all. My only real complaint would have to be the over-all health, but that, too is being improved through perseverance. I will always be "sick" but I don't always have to be sick, lol.

Had a trip to the emergency this week due to unexplainable pain. Getting an ultrasound on Tuesday but I'm hoping it was just a bad case of ovulation pain (cross my fingers).

Gross! Speaking of health, I've completely cut out all artificial sweetener from my diet. It started when I tried a cookie recipe using Splenda: the cookies tasted horrible and went into the trash. After some research on Splenda, I found out that it isn't even made from real sugar like they claim. They call it sucralose to trick people into thinking it's sucrose (real sugar). Not only that, but it's full of the same chlorine that's used in swimming pools. No thank you sir.
Than I realized that there are only 15 calories in 1 teaspoon of sugar. Considering I only use sugar in my coffee, I found it pretty stupid of me to be using sweetener to save calories. The chemicals of the sweetener are doing far more damage to me than a bit of sugar ever would. I urge everyone to do some research on the subject. Even if you're trying to lose weight (which I am) or are diabetic, using real sugar is still going to be better in the long run. Just off the top of my head - sweeteners make you retain water, which makes you bloated and weigh more.

"Diet soda, which generally is sweetened with aspartame, has been shown to be linked to an increased incidence of obesity by Sharon P. Fowler, MPH, and colleagues at the University of Texas Health Science Center, San Antonio in a recent study."

But I digress.

Doing spring cleaning! My spring cleaning usually lasts throughout the whole spring because I really get down to the details. I scrub, I purge, I organize.

Professionally I'm still procrastinating! Gods help me. I've got a domain up and ready for action but it's still not done! I managed to create a whole site from scratch for my brother and did quite a bit of work on Don's site and blog, but my own site? nope. That too, will be remedied though, and I'm not terribly worried - I've got a purpose and I will fulfill it.

I've been in a huge cooking/baking mood lately! I love it! Thank goodness I have someone to cook for sometimes or it just wouldn't be as fun.

Going to Hempfest, today being 4/20 and all. Should be interesting...

Ta!

-Love Marylin

Secretary

2008-04-01T23:39:00.003-04:00

Lee Holloway is a smart, quirky woman in her twenties who returns to her hometown in Florida after a brief stay in a mental hospital. In search of relief from herself and her oppressive childhood environment, she starts to date a nerdy friend from high school and takes a job as a secretary in a local law firm, soon developing an obsessive crush on her older boss, Mr. Grey. Through their increasingly bizarre relationship, Lee follows her deepest longings to the heights of masochism and finally to a place of self-affirmation.

(Source: IMDB)

'Secretary' is a 2002 black comedy based on a short story from 'Bad Behavior' by Mary Gaitskill. It was directed by Steven Shainberg and stars Maggie Gyllenhaal as Lee Holloway and James Spader as E. Edward Grey.

(Source: wikipedia

I was flipping through the channels on Saturday night and came upon the very beginning of this movie. It looked interesting so I kept watching and I kept watching because it kept getting even more interesting.

When you read the reviews and watch the trailers, you expect this to be a very sexual movie. I don't think so. Though it is quite sexual (hardly any nudity and no actual intercourse), it is much more of an emotional piece than anything else.

Mr. Grey (James Spader), is an awkward man who isn't sure about his own tendencies and (basically apologizes for them) - therefore never letting anyone get close enough to stick around.

Lee (Maggie Gyllenhaal), is a life-long 'cutter' and just as she's finally decided to give that up, she discovers something even more satisfying (and much less harmful) to satisfy her addiction.

Anyone who's felt the strong desire to submit will completely relate to her character... the desire to serve, and the desire to be punished...

Really though, if you are looking for T&A or something porn-esque, this film is not for you.

I was completely sucked into the story - these two actors were marvelous - and plan to get myself a copy as soon as possible to go into my permanent collection.

This is a love story. A black comedy. It is weird and quirky. It is perfect.

Love Marylin

What!? No 'E'?

2008-03-04T20:54:00.000-05:00

In 1939 an author named Ernest Vincent wrote a 50,000 word novel called 'Gadsby'. The only thing unusual about the novel is that there is not a single letter e in the whole thing.

Importance Of Punctuation

2008-02-22T20:53:00.000-05:00

An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing"

on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:

"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful.

Dreams In Gonzovision

2008-02-12T20:51:00.001-05:00

So I had a dream about Hunter S. Thompson last night: he came to see me (for who knows what reason). This was the aged HST, post/mid-adventure HST - a man who would have a lot to say and alot of great stories to tell. Very exciting.

I know we have a limited amount of time for this visit, but instead of me getting to sit and just listen to the man talk, all of these unknown people start coming in and out of the room, asking him dumb questions, not even letting him speak, giving meaningless interviews and taking photos.

You could tell he didn't want to be there - that he was frustrated. What a waste.

I like to think the real Hunter would have kindly interrupted with:

Shut the fuck up and let me talk!

*shrugs*

Poetry Form: Acrostic

2007-12-15T20:50:00.001-05:00

The Acrostic poem comes from the Greek word akros - "at the end," and stichos - "line."

The Acrostic poem is written by taking a word or words and writing it vertically, then, write a verse for each letter, so that each letter begins the verse.

Example:

You are armed with all the means to
end this pain, this doubt, this endless
surrender
take it from me, I've seen too many ghosts
etched out in existence
riding the waves of eternal self-pity
do not end this today - today is too late
and tomorrow comes and come and comes
yesterday was the right time.

Poetry Form: Acrostic

2007-12-15T20:50:00.000-05:00

Because I Said So!

2007-12-12T18:41:00.000-05:00

Oh what will we do when the plain's all clean and the dancer declares it was but a dream and this place shrivels up and becomes obsolete we will have no home we will live on the street well pay for our food with the sins that they gave and we'll drink the cheap whiskey till we're dead in our grave and we'll smoke player's light and we'll dance in the street and we'll terrorize children who cry in their sleep we'll no longer be slaves to the suits and the slobs who wear their fat asses and shoot us with smog we will find Jesus Christ and he'll sing us a song about all the young ladies gone terribly wrong we are never too hungry we are never too cold to bring mirth to the masses and youth to the old we write limericks and trade them for gifts of the wise from the men who ride ponies and clever disguise I have told you this treaty for the sake of the dead they're asleep underground and have already fed and their faces are shining all painted in white so the crowds recognize and can put up a fight but the reason they come is to give you their tale of the men who are too weak to search for the grail I'm a bard and a jack-ass but soon it will end cause the plains all dried up and I ate all my friends.

I suppose you've forgotten the man from the plains, he went out to confess and they though him insane and they locked him away he will never come out though it was all true of the rot and the drought and he never stopped trying to tell us his story as far as we know he went out with true glory it happened to many the masses they came and they made sure the clergy felt sick with their shame and they went to the white house and threw dollar bills a few billion dollars each one for a kill then they marched to the city and smashed all the lights so the stores and the building had to close for the night and to end circulation they shot all the fiends who gave money to babies and drugs to the sleaze and they always remembered the truth of the man who is still locked away despite all of his fans but they'll do that to you if you have half a mind caused they'd rather the masses be stupid and blind this tale doesn't end and the fight will go on cause the changes won't come till the liars are gone it's such a sad thing to live and then die if you can't pay the fee to the man in the sky.

-Love Marylin